[February 3] [Brokeback Mountain] Once Upon a Time - 3

[rhye.livejournal.com]

Title: Once Upon a Time - 3
Day/Theme: February 3rd/The Wicked Daughter
Series: Brokeback Mountain
Character/Pairing: Jack Twist/Ennis del Mar
Rating: R

Chapter 3

Dear Diary,

Well here's what happened. I was just so mad-- you know? I guess I should start at the beginning. I got home and Junior was here and she said she went to see Dad to tell him about her engagement. He said maybe he was moving! That's ok and all. I don't see him too much any more because I'm so busy with school and I get the feeling from Mom that she doesn't like Dad much or approve of him or something. I feel sort of guilty when I spend time with him, so I don't. Maybe that's wrong.

Anyway, Junior told me might be Dad was moving, and I was surprised to say the least, since he's lived in Riverton since before I was born anyway. It's hard to think he could be happy someplace else. And I said so to Junior then, something like, "but he'll be all alone then." I know it's stupid because he's already all alone here.

She said then maybe not. He mentioned maybe he would go in on a ranch with a friend. But Junior'd got home before me since I had cheerleading practice, and she'd already talked to Mom. Mom told her things I didn't want to hear about, but Junior wanted to tell me anyway.

And they were really hard to believe, things like that my Dad is gay with this other man! And maybe worse was that no one had told me, like it was an accident I found out just because Junior was so upset and she needed to talk to someone. She took it better than me, though, because I thought then how much of my life maybe has been a lie!? You know?

And I got really mad. Like all the next day at school all I could think about was how angry I was, because I remember being a little girl and my father going fishing with that friend that Junior says Dad might be gay with, and I thought about how he was lying and cheating on Mom, and how I could never forgive him for cheating on mom.

So I skipped cheerleading practice that day, and I went straight home. I borrowed Mom's car, and told her we needed it because the cheerleaders wanted to go out for ice cream after practice, and because I'd always been a good girl and done just what I was asked to do, she let me borrow it. But of course I was being deceitful. Maybe that doesn't make me much better than Dad.

I went over to his place then, and I sat on the steps, just getting madder and madder. I don't think I'd seen him in a year at that point, though it didn't seem that long. I just waited for him. When he finally came home, he seemed sort of pleased to see me, and that only made me more angry. I tried to be civil, but it didn't work. It's hard when you're angry at your parents not to act like it. It's not like with other people where if you lose your temper you might push them away. Because with parents you can't really push them away, I think. I mean, if they're good parents. And I think mine mostly are. Even Monroe.

So I remember losing my temper, and I cried and I ran up to him and even banged on him with my fists, but that didn't do any good because, you see, my Dad is a pretty big guy. I remember him holding me and saying "baby girl" a few times. And that made me more angry because it made me think how he'd probably been cheating on Mom even when I really was just a baby girl, and had he ever loved any of us? I mean, any of us that wasn't him? That man Dad's gay for.

So like I said, I got more angry, and then I started saying things. I don't hardly remember the things I said, but I know I didn't even know where I'd learned some of those words, and they hurt to say, and I could see they hurt him to hear, and that's why I kept saying them.

So I eventually ran off, got in the car and came on back home. I guess I cried myself to sleep, and that was a couple hours ago.

And all I can think was how Junior told me to be careful with the information she gave me because surely Dad was embarrassed about it, because he didn't like gay people too much. Or so we thought, or whatever. I don't really care who my daddy loves, as long as he loves me, too.

Now I feel so foolish. I see he probably did love us when I was a baby, or else he would have left with that man maybe. But I just hurt him so badly, there's no way my Daddy will ever love me any more!

I am such a wicked, wicked daughter.