31_days | [6/16/06] [Naruto] Everything is Better Now

Title: Everything is Better Now
Day/Theme: June 16th / like a heart that stumbles into knowledge
Series: Naruto
Character/Pairing: InoSakura, with lots other minor mentions of characters and pairings (SakuLee, NaruSaku, InoShika, one line mention of NejiHina)
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Angst, denial, shoujo-ai, implied sensuality, mentioned character deaths, various mentioned pairings
Notes: Naruto gives me an uncotrollable urge to write angst and I don't know why.

You know it’s stupid. She knows it’s stupid. You both know it’s stupid, but you don’t stop.

Sometimes—a lot of the time, too much of the time—you wished you’d never said anything; everything would have just been easier that way. Or maybe if you’d been more careful about it, maybe if you’d been more vague, everything would have gone a lot smoother.

It started out with some lame cliché, something like “I’ve never kissed a boy before…” and then it downhill went from there.

She knew you were lying the moment the words left your mouth—how long had you been dating Lee again? Two, three months?—but she played along anyways. You both wanted the same thing, though neither of you would ever have admitted it.

She played along too well. She showed you how to use your lips, use your tongue, use your whole mouth when kissing someone—you already knew how, but somehow it felt like learning all over again with her. And then it hit rock bottom and before you knew it, her hand was up your skirt and she was teaching you what it felt like to have someone else touch you down there.

When you woke-up in a bed not-your-own-but-familiar-all-the-same next morning, part of you felt like dying. Maybe if you ran out now, she’d think it was all a dream and you both could pretend it never happened. But you know you can’t do that—she’s not so stupid that she’d forget you two had sex, no one is—so you just lay in wait for what seems like forever for her to wake-up.

The rest of the morning goes over strangely smoothly, and you’re left with the feeling that you missed something big but don’t know what. She wakes up, says good morning, and the two of you get dressed. You turn away out of courtesy—though it’s really shame, you both know that—and try not to think of how pretty Ino’s gotten since Naruto left to train with Jiraya.

You kiss Lee and tell him you love him as soon as you’re out of the house, trying to erase all memories of last night. He doesn’t see the guilt in your eyes or hear the shame in your voice, just blushes and mumbles a moment before saying—much too loudly—that he loves you too, and the knot in your stomach is so tight you almost cry.

It’s only been a week and a half before you break up with Lee. He looks heart-broken and crushed, and you feel like you’ve just kicked a defenseless little puppy, but he’s not angry. He spouts something about training harder so you’ll love him again, and you hug him once more before he leaves to do so, tears in your eyes.

Even now you still wish you could really love him because he’s the sweetest guy you know and never deserved what you did to him.

It’s strangely easy to avoid Ino, you found, but it’s probably because she’s avoiding you too. Something in the back of your mind tells you that’s not true, she’d never avoid you, but you quash it because you feel better if you think Ino’s evading you too.

It’s two months and three days after when you bring up what happened with her. It was all going smooth for a while, both of you pretending nothing ever happened (or maybe that was just you), but it ate away at you too much to keep it inside yourself anymore.

The conversation is suffocating, it seems like, with many awkward pauses in the middle—too many, you think. Ino’s never this silent—but talking it out made you feel less guilty.

Life continues once again like nothing ever happened, and sometimes you think it may be all a dream. Sometimes you hope too much it was all a dream.

Then Naruto comes home and everything changes again.

There’s so much excitement now, so much energy, and in the flurry of talking and sharing stories and things like, Naruto tells you he’s going to retrieve Sasuke, and you’re coming with him.

You tell Ino about it that night because part of you’s scared, part of you’s excited, but mostly you’re worried. All these thoughts are racing through your mind, what if he dies what if he doesn’t want to come back what if we can’t make him comeback, so Ino grabs your hand reassuringly and says something about it being okay in the end (your mind was too clouded and fuzzy for you to really remember what she said, and maybe that was for the better).

More worries spill out of your mouth—stupid, inane, unimportant ones that you can’t even remember anymore—and this time she kisses your forehead before trying to reassure you. And then more words are spilled—you think you might have blocked those out on purpose—and she leans in to kiss you on the lips (or so you tell yourself; something in the back of your mind says it was the other way around, but you refuse to listen to it).

In the morning you don’t even have to open your eyes and see her room for you to filled with a sense of dread. You dress and write a note on the table—an apology, most likely; you can’t seem really remember anything from that night, rather expectedly—before slipping out the door.

That day you leave with Naruto to get Sasuke and you won’t have to see her again for another few months.

Time goes quickly after that, too quickly, and sometimes—too much of the time—it feels as though it was all a blur.

The unimportant things are lost in your memory, like how you got the scar on your shoulder, or where Naruto got the scar on his forehead, but you remember the strange amount of heavy remorse you felt at Sai’s funeral.

It feels as though too many people died during that time for you to remember them all, but you always do. Sai’s death, Chouji’s death, Kakashi’s death… there are countless others locked away in your mind, but you don’t want to remember them now, you don’t want to remember any deaths now.

But no matter how hard you try and get rid of those memories, those deaths, Sasuke’s death always comes back, pushing up past the surface and demanding attention. Whenever it comes up it’s always in perfect detail, never blurry, never smudged or faded around the edges, and Naruto’s tears are always the sharpest. You don’t think you’ve ever seen Naruto cry that hard before. Granted, you know you’ve never cried that hard in your life, not once, but Naruto’s tears always make it seem more real.

You like to pretend you’ve seen Ino cry that hard before when you told her about it once you got back.

But now that’s all behind you, all of it, and now you’re married and are pregnant and are happy, and life’s never been better. You wonder whether the baby will have your pink hair or Naruto’s blond, and you almost laugh when you think of what hideous combination it could turn out to be.

Ino’s married too, she’s happy, and her son’s old enough now that she can start going back out on missions. He’s got Ino’s pale hair but the spikiness of Shikamaru’s, and you’ve heard Ino rant and rave about how hard it is to brush it in the morning.

Everything’s better now, everything’s happy, and if you tell yourself that enough times you hope you’ll start to believe it. Believing it will make your perfect little world complete, the one where Sasuke’s still alive and Naruto’s Hokage, where Lee never hurt his leg so he doesn’t has trouble walking, where Hinata isn’t forced to marry Neji, where you and Ino aren’t in love anymore and don’t still meet each other every Wednesday to kiss and make love and do the things you shouldn’t.

Yes, everything’s better now, everything’s happy, and if you tell yourself that enough times it will really come true.
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I completely overdid it with the angst end, I think. And the whole plot derailed about half way through. Oh well. Critique is muchly appreciated, as always, and feel free to tell me if I made anyone wildly OOC. Also feel free to throw rocks at me for being an idiot or whatever. I'm more than deserving sometimes.