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31_days2005-12-20 05:08 am
ckret2.livejournal.com) wrote in 31_days2005-12-20 05:08 am
[December 19] [Invader Zim] Superiority
Title: Superiority
Day/Theme: December 19/the anatomy of a Minotaur
Series: Invader Zim
Character/Pairing: Zim, a little Gir
Rating: PG
Zim kicked his computer with a yell of frustration. "Why can't I get this stupid mutation to WORK?!" he raged, pounding on a glass tube that contained a horrific mix between a cow and a human. Zim gave the glass one more punch for good measure, and then reluctantly sank back into his chair. His antennae hung over his face tiredly as Zim glared at the mutation.
"I was so close this time!" Zim said. He sighed. "I guess if I— I! Zim!!— couldn't get this to work, then it just wasn't meant to be done. I have the greatest equipment of the Irken Empire at my disposal, I have every gene in these primitive species' DNA mapped out, and of course I have my own superior intellect to assist me. It just wasn't meant to happen, then."
Zim's right antenna perked up at the sound of small metallic footsteps, and he turned slightly enough to see Gir come in to the room in front of a bank of computers. He glanced at the useless mix of cow and human, and then up at the computer bank. The artificially combined cow/human DNA code scrolled nonstop on the largest, middle screen, and the two parent DNA codes scrolled in the two smaller screens to the left. "Izzat a little Earth baby?" Gir asked.
"No, it's… Well, yeah… Kinda," Zim said. "I guess it was made from Earth DNA. And it was an infant once…" Zim glanced over at the horror he'd created and shuddered. "No, Gir, it's not an Earth baby. Earth babies have a full set of organs when they're made, not a pancreas, a liver, half a lung, and two stomachs." Zim suddenly wondered what was keeping the cow-human-thing alive. Probably the extra stomach. Earth-things could do amazing things if they had a stomach, and two probably improved that.
"Awww," Gir said sadly, slouching over in disappointment. But in a moment he was up again and pressing his face against the glass tube. "Then what is it?"
"It was supposed to be a hybrid between a cow and a human," Zim said. "If I could combine the invincibility and amazing untippability of a cow with the opposable thumbs of a human, I could have the perfect clone army to rule this dirt-ball planet! And best of all, the pitiful Earth-stinks would have no clue what was going to hit them. Cows and humans are both Earth creatures, so they would never suspect that a combination of each would be the cause of their own doom!" The description of his own master-plan-of-the-week inspired Zim to a maniacal laughter, which Gir soon joined for unexplainable purposes. It quickly wound down as Zim realized he was triumphantly laughing over a plan that didn't even work, and he ended with another deep sigh. "But I've tried every combination of genetic information that I can think of, and I still have NOTHING to show for it! Just a handicapped mutation and a thousand dead ones."
"Sooo, that's a cow baby?" Gir said, blissfully ignorant of his master's mood.
"Yes, Gir," Zim gave in, waving his SIR unit off. "It's a cow baby."
"But it's bad?" Gir asked.
"It's very bad."
"Awww," Gir said. He paused and dipped his head a moment in respectful silence for the mutation, then jumped up and said, "I'm-a gonna go find a REAL GOOD cow baby!"
Zim watched from his seat as Gir ran off on his wild goose chase, then wearily pushed his chair over to the computer with two spiderlegs. He had mixed the genes, half-and-half, for the eyes, and they were sightless, scarred lumps. He had mixed the genes for the mouth, and it was a wide lipless horror with mixed teeth and horizontal canines. He had mixed the genes for the legs, and got thick cow muscle ripping through a thin, too-small human skin cover. He had mixed the genes for the organs, and ended up with innards that tore each other apart, didn't connect, fell apart, or simply never appeared except as a few stray tissues stuck to muscle. Again, and again, and again. He was out of combinations. Zim, one of the Irken elite, with the best of Irk's equipment.
"I found it!" Gir said, running into the room with a book. "It's called a mini-tire!"
"A mini-tire?" Zim repeated, picking up Gir's book. It was titled Mythological Creatures of Ancient Greece and Rome. A book on made-up stories that humans even more primitive than the modern ones had concocted. Evidently, it also had some sort of a myth about small automobile parts. "Great, go show someone else. The house computer would love to listen."
"No I wouldn't!" the house computer whined through hidden speakers.
"But you're makin' the baby!" Gir insisted, shoving the book back into Zim's hands. "Open it!"
"Fine," Zim muttered, taking the Earth book gingerly and opened it to the middle.
"Turn the page!" Gir said, and then said, "The other way!" followed by, "No, you were right, other way."
Zim's antennae twitched in annoyance. "Is this even the right book, Gir?" he said through clenched teeth.
"Yeah," Gir said, and then grabbed the book violently before Zim could turn another page. "Here we go! The mini-tire!"
Zim looked down at the page, and was startled to see a fierce creature staring back at him. It had the head and strong legs of a male cow, and the torso of a human. It looked very strong, stupid, and even had opposable thumbs. It was the perfect blend of cow and human, the one Zim had been looking for.
"Where did you find this?" he demanded.
"Bought it for free!" Gir said, which mean he had gotten it from the library and didn't plan on returning it.
Zim looked down at the picture once again. The legs, fully cow. The head, cow. The arms were human, and the head human. He didn't need to blend the genes so that each body part would be half of each species. If he took the DNA sequences whole for each body part and put them together, with a few supplementary DNA sequences of his own in between to regulate the mesh between the separate parts, he could combine them easily. It seemed so simple now.
"See? It's a mini-tire, like I said!" Gir said while pointing at the heading of the page, which said Minotaur. "His momma loved a bull, but this king guy didn't like it, so he locked up the mini-tire, and then he stuck a guy in a maze with his kid so they both grew wings but the kid's wings burned off and he drowned, and then Purse went to fight the tire and killed him but the king guy didn't like that…" As Gir babbled on about unconnected items and events, occasionally pointing at pages in the book until he simply took the book himself and left, Zim stared dully at the keyboard in front of him, thinking.
Invader Zim himself had used all of the most modern equipment that the most advanced race in the universe had to offer, and had failed to create a simple genetic combination between two species that had evolved from the same single-celled species. Gir had used an old book made of paper about the fantasy inventions of a backwards population that didn't even know what DNA was, and had come up with the solution without even knowing it. Apparently, Zim had severely underestimated both Gir and the humans. Musing over this discovery, he deleted his current code and began dissecting the pieces of human and cow DNA for a new combination. Perhaps that had been the reason he had yet to succeed in taking over this planet.
Zim disposed of and incinerated the mutation with the click of a button, refilled the tube with a life-supporting gel, and copied the DNA into a waiting cell he had extracted the current DNA from. He set nanobots to invade the cell and force it to convert itself into a master cell for the creation of a new creature, and closed his program for the night. He then opened the human "Internet" system, pulled out a second keyboard so he could type in English, and went to the Britannica encyclopedia. He had not made much of an attempt to truly understand humans and what they were capable of up until now. Before, he had got by on what knowledge he needed to keep from being exposed as an Irken. Perhaps it was time to find out a little more.
Day/Theme: December 19/the anatomy of a Minotaur
Series: Invader Zim
Character/Pairing: Zim, a little Gir
Rating: PG
Zim kicked his computer with a yell of frustration. "Why can't I get this stupid mutation to WORK?!" he raged, pounding on a glass tube that contained a horrific mix between a cow and a human. Zim gave the glass one more punch for good measure, and then reluctantly sank back into his chair. His antennae hung over his face tiredly as Zim glared at the mutation.
"I was so close this time!" Zim said. He sighed. "I guess if I— I! Zim!!— couldn't get this to work, then it just wasn't meant to be done. I have the greatest equipment of the Irken Empire at my disposal, I have every gene in these primitive species' DNA mapped out, and of course I have my own superior intellect to assist me. It just wasn't meant to happen, then."
Zim's right antenna perked up at the sound of small metallic footsteps, and he turned slightly enough to see Gir come in to the room in front of a bank of computers. He glanced at the useless mix of cow and human, and then up at the computer bank. The artificially combined cow/human DNA code scrolled nonstop on the largest, middle screen, and the two parent DNA codes scrolled in the two smaller screens to the left. "Izzat a little Earth baby?" Gir asked.
"No, it's… Well, yeah… Kinda," Zim said. "I guess it was made from Earth DNA. And it was an infant once…" Zim glanced over at the horror he'd created and shuddered. "No, Gir, it's not an Earth baby. Earth babies have a full set of organs when they're made, not a pancreas, a liver, half a lung, and two stomachs." Zim suddenly wondered what was keeping the cow-human-thing alive. Probably the extra stomach. Earth-things could do amazing things if they had a stomach, and two probably improved that.
"Awww," Gir said sadly, slouching over in disappointment. But in a moment he was up again and pressing his face against the glass tube. "Then what is it?"
"It was supposed to be a hybrid between a cow and a human," Zim said. "If I could combine the invincibility and amazing untippability of a cow with the opposable thumbs of a human, I could have the perfect clone army to rule this dirt-ball planet! And best of all, the pitiful Earth-stinks would have no clue what was going to hit them. Cows and humans are both Earth creatures, so they would never suspect that a combination of each would be the cause of their own doom!" The description of his own master-plan-of-the-week inspired Zim to a maniacal laughter, which Gir soon joined for unexplainable purposes. It quickly wound down as Zim realized he was triumphantly laughing over a plan that didn't even work, and he ended with another deep sigh. "But I've tried every combination of genetic information that I can think of, and I still have NOTHING to show for it! Just a handicapped mutation and a thousand dead ones."
"Sooo, that's a cow baby?" Gir said, blissfully ignorant of his master's mood.
"Yes, Gir," Zim gave in, waving his SIR unit off. "It's a cow baby."
"But it's bad?" Gir asked.
"It's very bad."
"Awww," Gir said. He paused and dipped his head a moment in respectful silence for the mutation, then jumped up and said, "I'm-a gonna go find a REAL GOOD cow baby!"
Zim watched from his seat as Gir ran off on his wild goose chase, then wearily pushed his chair over to the computer with two spiderlegs. He had mixed the genes, half-and-half, for the eyes, and they were sightless, scarred lumps. He had mixed the genes for the mouth, and it was a wide lipless horror with mixed teeth and horizontal canines. He had mixed the genes for the legs, and got thick cow muscle ripping through a thin, too-small human skin cover. He had mixed the genes for the organs, and ended up with innards that tore each other apart, didn't connect, fell apart, or simply never appeared except as a few stray tissues stuck to muscle. Again, and again, and again. He was out of combinations. Zim, one of the Irken elite, with the best of Irk's equipment.
"I found it!" Gir said, running into the room with a book. "It's called a mini-tire!"
"A mini-tire?" Zim repeated, picking up Gir's book. It was titled Mythological Creatures of Ancient Greece and Rome. A book on made-up stories that humans even more primitive than the modern ones had concocted. Evidently, it also had some sort of a myth about small automobile parts. "Great, go show someone else. The house computer would love to listen."
"No I wouldn't!" the house computer whined through hidden speakers.
"But you're makin' the baby!" Gir insisted, shoving the book back into Zim's hands. "Open it!"
"Fine," Zim muttered, taking the Earth book gingerly and opened it to the middle.
"Turn the page!" Gir said, and then said, "The other way!" followed by, "No, you were right, other way."
Zim's antennae twitched in annoyance. "Is this even the right book, Gir?" he said through clenched teeth.
"Yeah," Gir said, and then grabbed the book violently before Zim could turn another page. "Here we go! The mini-tire!"
Zim looked down at the page, and was startled to see a fierce creature staring back at him. It had the head and strong legs of a male cow, and the torso of a human. It looked very strong, stupid, and even had opposable thumbs. It was the perfect blend of cow and human, the one Zim had been looking for.
"Where did you find this?" he demanded.
"Bought it for free!" Gir said, which mean he had gotten it from the library and didn't plan on returning it.
Zim looked down at the picture once again. The legs, fully cow. The head, cow. The arms were human, and the head human. He didn't need to blend the genes so that each body part would be half of each species. If he took the DNA sequences whole for each body part and put them together, with a few supplementary DNA sequences of his own in between to regulate the mesh between the separate parts, he could combine them easily. It seemed so simple now.
"See? It's a mini-tire, like I said!" Gir said while pointing at the heading of the page, which said Minotaur. "His momma loved a bull, but this king guy didn't like it, so he locked up the mini-tire, and then he stuck a guy in a maze with his kid so they both grew wings but the kid's wings burned off and he drowned, and then Purse went to fight the tire and killed him but the king guy didn't like that…" As Gir babbled on about unconnected items and events, occasionally pointing at pages in the book until he simply took the book himself and left, Zim stared dully at the keyboard in front of him, thinking.
Invader Zim himself had used all of the most modern equipment that the most advanced race in the universe had to offer, and had failed to create a simple genetic combination between two species that had evolved from the same single-celled species. Gir had used an old book made of paper about the fantasy inventions of a backwards population that didn't even know what DNA was, and had come up with the solution without even knowing it. Apparently, Zim had severely underestimated both Gir and the humans. Musing over this discovery, he deleted his current code and began dissecting the pieces of human and cow DNA for a new combination. Perhaps that had been the reason he had yet to succeed in taking over this planet.
Zim disposed of and incinerated the mutation with the click of a button, refilled the tube with a life-supporting gel, and copied the DNA into a waiting cell he had extracted the current DNA from. He set nanobots to invade the cell and force it to convert itself into a master cell for the creation of a new creature, and closed his program for the night. He then opened the human "Internet" system, pulled out a second keyboard so he could type in English, and went to the Britannica encyclopedia. He had not made much of an attempt to truly understand humans and what they were capable of up until now. Before, he had got by on what knowledge he needed to keep from being exposed as an Irken. Perhaps it was time to find out a little more.