https://aguilt.livejournal.com/ (![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png)
aguilt.livejournal.com) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
31_days2016-11-16 11:36 pm
aguilt.livejournal.com) wrote in 31_days2016-11-16 11:36 pm
[16-November-2016] [Hidamari Sketch] In The Crosshairs
Title: In The Crosshairs
Day/Theme: Nov 16th, "One of the most time consuming things is to have an enemy"
Series: Hidamari Sketch
Character/Pairing: Natsume
Rating: T
Summary: Natsume is used to being confused by Sae, but finds her feelings on Hiro also difficult to pin down.
The most frustrating thing about the whole situation is just how confused you feel about everything, all the time. You spend a lot of time trying not to think about it, then working yourself in circles; maybe it would be better to think about it, after all? And so you dedicate time to doing so, and only come to understand how little it is you understand, and how the more time you actually dedicate to it, the more frustrating and confusing it becomes. That, in itself, deepens the frustration, and so it goes. You can't even go to your friends for advice, because you don't even know how to word it - that confusion has seeped into language itself, rendering you incoherent while alone, let alone with others.
This is probably jealousy, you tell yourself. That seems like a nice, simple, easy concept to get your head around. Putting aside thoughts of whether it is right or good to be so, saying 'I am jealous, this is jealousy' is at least putting a name to the feelings, taking ownership of them, making some fragment of sense of it all.
Why, though?
Why are you jealous?
Sometimes, in class, you let your mind wander. You think about what life might be like if things had been different - from the small things to larger ones indeed. If your first meeting with Sae had been different, somehow. At a different time, or in a different place, or if you were different, or she were different, or if she'd never met Hiro, or--
Ah. There it is. Along with jealousy comes that vague sense of shame - it's easy to say jealousy but harder to justify it, and impossible to explain. If any one of those things were changed then things would certainly be different, and nobody can change the past so surely those thoughts are just theories, but--.
If we'd been in the same class, or if I'd moved into Hidamari Apartments... if there had ever been an opening for you to have neatly stepped into her life, you think for sure that you would have taken it - but hindsight is 20/20, and you know how hard it is to know how to behave around Sae (and/or Hiro) now, let alone in some fantasy theory of the past in which everything goes smoothly, and before you know it, you're... what, exactly? What is it, exactly, that you want?
Friendship is the first thing that comes to mind. You could have been friends! You could have been best friends. You could have been the sort of friends who travelled to school on the train together, or lived in adjoining apartments, or... any of those things. Cooked lunches for one another. Eaten lunches together. Spent time with one another. That's what you want, isn't it? To be friends, and do the friendly sorts of things that friends do. But then you look to your own friends, and you love them, because of course you do, but--... it feels different, somehow. You don't feel so nervous or so desperate, and you only dream of acting as normally and casually around Sae - and Hiro - as you do your group of friends. So, by that logic, it was clearly different. But how? And why?
You let your thoughts drift on the train home, the repetitive motion of the carriage feeling almost comforting. If you are jealous, then it stands to reason that you are jealous of Hiro; you are jealous of her because she is very clearly and obviously Sae's best friend, to the extent that you don't know how to approach either of them. Locked in together almost as if they need nothing else - such an intense friendship, you think to yourself. So, if Sae is the goal, then Hiro is the obstacle. You want a friendship like that, and you want a friendship like that with Sae, but you also know how impossible it is to purposefully engineer these things. Even if you couldn't match the intensity, you wouldn't mind matching it for familiarity. If you could just go up to Hidamari Apartments, and knock on the door, and invite yourself in like any confident friend might.
The worst part of it is knowing that Hiro doesn't deserve anything like the depth of your thoughts. The nature of being in separate classes means that your paths cross infrequently, but you can't think of a single time in which you've seen or interacted with her in which she hasn't been perfectly kind, gentle, graceful, thoughtful... of course someone like that would be Sae's best friend. Of course she would! Who wouldn't want a best friend like that!? Thinking of it like that, you're almost jealous of Sae, having someone like Hiro to be friends with.
Maybe that's what this is all about. You wonder that, too. Maybe it's not just Sae. You've wanted Sae's attention for as long as you've known she exists, but to see Hiro... their friendship is desirable and right there and, at the same time, so out-of-reach it feels as if it might as well be worlds away. There, in that one gesture alone, lies enough confusion and frustration to keep you awake at nights for the rest of the semester.
If I challenge Sae, maybe she'll respond, you think. You know that you can't be a friend to her like Hiro is, but perhaps you can be something different. Challenge in life is also a noble pursuit, is it not? Perhaps Sae will get fired up, too. Maybe, just maybe, you could encourage each other to be better. In what, or how, you're not quite sure yet. Just, better.
You challenge Sae, and Hiro smiles. She laughs, and she encourages you, and you don't know how to respond. It's something, but it's still a thing you don't know how to handle. It's easier to storm off than it is to explain yourself, and then your friends commiserate with you and try to cheer you up. Without having explained anything, you almost feel like they know your feelings better than you yourself do. How did that even happen?
You stand outside of Hidamari Apartments some days, on the opposite side of the road, taking in the sight of something so mundane and yet so special - that's where you live, after all. How easy would it be to approach? You can't think of a reason to visit, but maybe one would come to mind as you walked over. (You stay in place.) You head home, because the plan isn't formed just yet. You can think about it on the train home. Later, in your bedroom. In the morning. If you just dedicate some thought to it, you're sure that a plan will emerge.
Day/Theme: Nov 16th, "One of the most time consuming things is to have an enemy"
Series: Hidamari Sketch
Character/Pairing: Natsume
Rating: T
Summary: Natsume is used to being confused by Sae, but finds her feelings on Hiro also difficult to pin down.
The most frustrating thing about the whole situation is just how confused you feel about everything, all the time. You spend a lot of time trying not to think about it, then working yourself in circles; maybe it would be better to think about it, after all? And so you dedicate time to doing so, and only come to understand how little it is you understand, and how the more time you actually dedicate to it, the more frustrating and confusing it becomes. That, in itself, deepens the frustration, and so it goes. You can't even go to your friends for advice, because you don't even know how to word it - that confusion has seeped into language itself, rendering you incoherent while alone, let alone with others.
This is probably jealousy, you tell yourself. That seems like a nice, simple, easy concept to get your head around. Putting aside thoughts of whether it is right or good to be so, saying 'I am jealous, this is jealousy' is at least putting a name to the feelings, taking ownership of them, making some fragment of sense of it all.
Why, though?
Why are you jealous?
Sometimes, in class, you let your mind wander. You think about what life might be like if things had been different - from the small things to larger ones indeed. If your first meeting with Sae had been different, somehow. At a different time, or in a different place, or if you were different, or she were different, or if she'd never met Hiro, or--
Ah. There it is. Along with jealousy comes that vague sense of shame - it's easy to say jealousy but harder to justify it, and impossible to explain. If any one of those things were changed then things would certainly be different, and nobody can change the past so surely those thoughts are just theories, but--.
If we'd been in the same class, or if I'd moved into Hidamari Apartments... if there had ever been an opening for you to have neatly stepped into her life, you think for sure that you would have taken it - but hindsight is 20/20, and you know how hard it is to know how to behave around Sae (and/or Hiro) now, let alone in some fantasy theory of the past in which everything goes smoothly, and before you know it, you're... what, exactly? What is it, exactly, that you want?
Friendship is the first thing that comes to mind. You could have been friends! You could have been best friends. You could have been the sort of friends who travelled to school on the train together, or lived in adjoining apartments, or... any of those things. Cooked lunches for one another. Eaten lunches together. Spent time with one another. That's what you want, isn't it? To be friends, and do the friendly sorts of things that friends do. But then you look to your own friends, and you love them, because of course you do, but--... it feels different, somehow. You don't feel so nervous or so desperate, and you only dream of acting as normally and casually around Sae - and Hiro - as you do your group of friends. So, by that logic, it was clearly different. But how? And why?
You let your thoughts drift on the train home, the repetitive motion of the carriage feeling almost comforting. If you are jealous, then it stands to reason that you are jealous of Hiro; you are jealous of her because she is very clearly and obviously Sae's best friend, to the extent that you don't know how to approach either of them. Locked in together almost as if they need nothing else - such an intense friendship, you think to yourself. So, if Sae is the goal, then Hiro is the obstacle. You want a friendship like that, and you want a friendship like that with Sae, but you also know how impossible it is to purposefully engineer these things. Even if you couldn't match the intensity, you wouldn't mind matching it for familiarity. If you could just go up to Hidamari Apartments, and knock on the door, and invite yourself in like any confident friend might.
The worst part of it is knowing that Hiro doesn't deserve anything like the depth of your thoughts. The nature of being in separate classes means that your paths cross infrequently, but you can't think of a single time in which you've seen or interacted with her in which she hasn't been perfectly kind, gentle, graceful, thoughtful... of course someone like that would be Sae's best friend. Of course she would! Who wouldn't want a best friend like that!? Thinking of it like that, you're almost jealous of Sae, having someone like Hiro to be friends with.
Maybe that's what this is all about. You wonder that, too. Maybe it's not just Sae. You've wanted Sae's attention for as long as you've known she exists, but to see Hiro... their friendship is desirable and right there and, at the same time, so out-of-reach it feels as if it might as well be worlds away. There, in that one gesture alone, lies enough confusion and frustration to keep you awake at nights for the rest of the semester.
If I challenge Sae, maybe she'll respond, you think. You know that you can't be a friend to her like Hiro is, but perhaps you can be something different. Challenge in life is also a noble pursuit, is it not? Perhaps Sae will get fired up, too. Maybe, just maybe, you could encourage each other to be better. In what, or how, you're not quite sure yet. Just, better.
You challenge Sae, and Hiro smiles. She laughs, and she encourages you, and you don't know how to respond. It's something, but it's still a thing you don't know how to handle. It's easier to storm off than it is to explain yourself, and then your friends commiserate with you and try to cheer you up. Without having explained anything, you almost feel like they know your feelings better than you yourself do. How did that even happen?
You stand outside of Hidamari Apartments some days, on the opposite side of the road, taking in the sight of something so mundane and yet so special - that's where you live, after all. How easy would it be to approach? You can't think of a reason to visit, but maybe one would come to mind as you walked over. (You stay in place.) You head home, because the plan isn't formed just yet. You can think about it on the train home. Later, in your bedroom. In the morning. If you just dedicate some thought to it, you're sure that a plan will emerge.