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31_days2016-08-30 11:40 pm
insaneladybug.livejournal.com) wrote in 31_days2016-08-30 11:40 pm
[August 30th] [The Wild Wild West] Lost Souls
Title: Lost Souls
Day/Theme: August 30th - "Everything will be all right in the end. So if it is not all right, it is not yet the end."
Series: The Wild Wild West (specifically, The Poisonous Posey episode)
Character/Pairing: Snakes Tolliver/Chita McCarthy (she's an OC; he's in my icon)
Rating: K+/PG
Continued from prior pieces.
By Lucky_Ladybug
A depressed and discouraged person who knows life is not going their way and has never really gone their way on the things that matter the most really hates to be told that everything is going to be okay. It feels like the naive statements of idealistic idiots that don't know any better. And it feels like the person talking is really showing just how little they know about the despondent person or life in general. You know how they say that what a discouraged person hates most is a happy person. In circumstances like that, happy people just come off as insensitive most of the time.
Of course, in the circles I ran with, I didn't run into a lot of those kinds of doofuses who'd tell me that everything would be alright after what Chita did. I did meet some people who said that life would be better without her, which was true. But I sure didn't feel like everything was "alright." I felt like I did after the War, that I'd been suckerpunched for the last time and I never wanted to be fooled by people or my own stupid fantasies again. And that time I really meant it.
After I was dead and stuck in Justice with Little Pinto hounding me every chance he got, one time I ran into the town church out of utter desperation to get away. I ended up hearing a visiting preacher giving a sermon about how trials and tribulations are there to help people grow and everything works out right in the end. I definitely scoffed.
It was weird that I'd managed to slip into the church in the first place. I hadn't been able to before. And today, I was in, but Little Pinto still couldn't seem to follow me in. He was standing outside looking pretty mean. I know it's talked about churches being sanctuaries from evil spirits and demons and that kind of thing, but after a lot of the things I'd done, especially what caused me to be dead in the first place, I couldn't see that I was any less of an evil spirit than Little Pinto.
Also bizarre was that when I was in there that day, the preacher sensed it. After everybody trouped out and he stayed behind to put things back in order, he started talking to me.
"Hello, my friend," he greeted.
Naturally I didn't really believe he meant me. I looked around to see who might've decided to hang out in the church. Probably a kid or something.
"I can't see you, but I feel you're here," he continued. "You're not impressed with the topic of my sermon."
I just stopped and stared at him. Could he really be talking to me? Nobody else had ever sensed me around before, and I'd been everywhere else in Justice.
"You feel as though life has dealt you a cruel and unfair hand."
Yeah, pretty much. I knew I'd done some of the stuff that had led up to this, but some of the other things were, I felt, completely undeserved. Did I deserve to have my parents killed? (And frankly, did they deserve to die?) Did I deserve to have everybody hate on me because I didn't believe in racial prejudice or because I had a permanent scar from trying to help someone? Did I deserve to have a wife who would've rather been with someone, anyone else? Or to be kicked around like a pathetic puppy until I just couldn't take it anymore?
The only way I could think to explain any of it was that I had been doomed from the start and God just plain hated me. Which wasn't a very happy thought, and I didn't know why He'd hate me so much, but on the other hand, when no one else had ever really liked me, it made a depressing kind of sense.
"I don't know why you're stranded in this town instead of being able to go on to whatever is in store for you. Perhaps it is because of your choices in life or because you are still so bound to this Earth that not even death can pull you away."
Or because nothing could be a worse Hell than what Little Pinto was doing to me.
"Nor do I know what brought you to your end or who you even are. But I can sense that you have experienced much sorrow in your life and you wonder why. Unfortunately, I don't have all the answers. I do believe trials exist to help us grow into better people, and that God will sustain us through them. But as to why some people seem to go through so much more than others, I do not know.
"What I do know is that God does not hate you. No matter what you've done, He loves you as one of His creations, His children. And if you've done wrong, He is still waiting to welcome you back with all the warmth of the father rushing to meet his prodigal son."
He was so sincere that I really wanted to believe him.
"If you pray to God in all sincerity and repentance, He will hear you."
Sure, He might hear me, but would He do anything about it? I mean, sinners are supposed to stay in Hell, right?
That was what I said in reply, even though I wasn't heard. His words had really drilled into me, though, and despite figuring nothing would come of anything, I found myself wanting to try. I was desperate to get out of the mess I was in. And boy, was I sorry every day for what I'd done that got me into this fix. Of course, I was really only sorry because of what it'd done to me, not for any noble or bleeding heart reasons, so I figured that only made it all the more sure that I'd have to stay in my Hell.
Still, I was ready to try anything. Maybe God could even help me have a change of heart if I was open to it.
I figured I'd better stay in the church to try, since Little Pinto couldn't seem to get at me there. So I walked up to the front and knelt down on the floor. I really poured my soul out to God, begging and pleading to be taken out of there and even saying I'd try to feel different about what I'd done and be sorry in the way I was probably supposed to be if He'd just help me to start trying and keep Little Pinto away from me. It had been almost three years by that point and I was just run ragged. I didn't know how much more of that Hell I could take. I sure didn't know how I would last an eternity, even though I'd made my bed and now I had to sleep in it.
Well, I didn't get any reply and I sure didn't get taken out of there. As far as I was concerned, God had spoke loud and clear that I wasn't welcome in Heaven or anywhere else and that there was no help coming for me. I probably never had been welcome, just like I thought for most of my life. I stumbled up, feeling more lost and alone than ever.
"Sorry, Preacher," I said to the kind but misinformed man as he gathered up the rest of the hymn books. "It doesn't look like there's any way to save this soul."
I was able to hide in the church until that visiting preacher left. To this day, I'm not sure what that meant. Did he bring a more welcoming spirit with him than the regular preacher and that's what opened the church to me for a little while? Once he had to move on, I couldn't get back in again and I was left to Little Pinto's sadistic desires.
Funny thing, though: it wasn't too long after that when Dr. Faustina finally figured out how to revive all of us and I was finally free. I have to wonder why she succeeded. I mean, nobody else has had much luck bringing back the dead in a mad scientist kind of way. Was it just a crazy fluke? Did God let her succeed? I don't know why He'd be okay with people like Little Pinto getting a second chance, but on the other hand, I don't know why He'd figure I was deserving of it either.
I guess you could figure God didn't have anything to do with it or that there isn't a God. I wasn't ever sure. But the more I've actually come through crazy things happening to me, the more I've started to wonder.
I still don't know why my life has been such a mixed-up mess all the way along. I still don't like that it was and I probably never will. I don't know that I'll ever understand the reason either. If there was a reason. But I'm not doing too badly right now. I don't have Chita, and sometimes I guess I still miss the good times, but I know we really couldn't have stayed together. I realize it even more as I've been writing everything out. I have my life back. For once I'm trying to get by honestly. And I actually have friends. So even though it still sounds naive and sappy and ridiculous, maybe it really is true that it's alright in the end.
Day/Theme: August 30th - "Everything will be all right in the end. So if it is not all right, it is not yet the end."
Series: The Wild Wild West (specifically, The Poisonous Posey episode)
Character/Pairing: Snakes Tolliver/Chita McCarthy (she's an OC; he's in my icon)
Rating: K+/PG
Continued from prior pieces.
A depressed and discouraged person who knows life is not going their way and has never really gone their way on the things that matter the most really hates to be told that everything is going to be okay. It feels like the naive statements of idealistic idiots that don't know any better. And it feels like the person talking is really showing just how little they know about the despondent person or life in general. You know how they say that what a discouraged person hates most is a happy person. In circumstances like that, happy people just come off as insensitive most of the time.
Of course, in the circles I ran with, I didn't run into a lot of those kinds of doofuses who'd tell me that everything would be alright after what Chita did. I did meet some people who said that life would be better without her, which was true. But I sure didn't feel like everything was "alright." I felt like I did after the War, that I'd been suckerpunched for the last time and I never wanted to be fooled by people or my own stupid fantasies again. And that time I really meant it.
After I was dead and stuck in Justice with Little Pinto hounding me every chance he got, one time I ran into the town church out of utter desperation to get away. I ended up hearing a visiting preacher giving a sermon about how trials and tribulations are there to help people grow and everything works out right in the end. I definitely scoffed.
It was weird that I'd managed to slip into the church in the first place. I hadn't been able to before. And today, I was in, but Little Pinto still couldn't seem to follow me in. He was standing outside looking pretty mean. I know it's talked about churches being sanctuaries from evil spirits and demons and that kind of thing, but after a lot of the things I'd done, especially what caused me to be dead in the first place, I couldn't see that I was any less of an evil spirit than Little Pinto.
Also bizarre was that when I was in there that day, the preacher sensed it. After everybody trouped out and he stayed behind to put things back in order, he started talking to me.
"Hello, my friend," he greeted.
Naturally I didn't really believe he meant me. I looked around to see who might've decided to hang out in the church. Probably a kid or something.
"I can't see you, but I feel you're here," he continued. "You're not impressed with the topic of my sermon."
I just stopped and stared at him. Could he really be talking to me? Nobody else had ever sensed me around before, and I'd been everywhere else in Justice.
"You feel as though life has dealt you a cruel and unfair hand."
Yeah, pretty much. I knew I'd done some of the stuff that had led up to this, but some of the other things were, I felt, completely undeserved. Did I deserve to have my parents killed? (And frankly, did they deserve to die?) Did I deserve to have everybody hate on me because I didn't believe in racial prejudice or because I had a permanent scar from trying to help someone? Did I deserve to have a wife who would've rather been with someone, anyone else? Or to be kicked around like a pathetic puppy until I just couldn't take it anymore?
The only way I could think to explain any of it was that I had been doomed from the start and God just plain hated me. Which wasn't a very happy thought, and I didn't know why He'd hate me so much, but on the other hand, when no one else had ever really liked me, it made a depressing kind of sense.
"I don't know why you're stranded in this town instead of being able to go on to whatever is in store for you. Perhaps it is because of your choices in life or because you are still so bound to this Earth that not even death can pull you away."
Or because nothing could be a worse Hell than what Little Pinto was doing to me.
"Nor do I know what brought you to your end or who you even are. But I can sense that you have experienced much sorrow in your life and you wonder why. Unfortunately, I don't have all the answers. I do believe trials exist to help us grow into better people, and that God will sustain us through them. But as to why some people seem to go through so much more than others, I do not know.
"What I do know is that God does not hate you. No matter what you've done, He loves you as one of His creations, His children. And if you've done wrong, He is still waiting to welcome you back with all the warmth of the father rushing to meet his prodigal son."
He was so sincere that I really wanted to believe him.
"If you pray to God in all sincerity and repentance, He will hear you."
Sure, He might hear me, but would He do anything about it? I mean, sinners are supposed to stay in Hell, right?
That was what I said in reply, even though I wasn't heard. His words had really drilled into me, though, and despite figuring nothing would come of anything, I found myself wanting to try. I was desperate to get out of the mess I was in. And boy, was I sorry every day for what I'd done that got me into this fix. Of course, I was really only sorry because of what it'd done to me, not for any noble or bleeding heart reasons, so I figured that only made it all the more sure that I'd have to stay in my Hell.
Still, I was ready to try anything. Maybe God could even help me have a change of heart if I was open to it.
I figured I'd better stay in the church to try, since Little Pinto couldn't seem to get at me there. So I walked up to the front and knelt down on the floor. I really poured my soul out to God, begging and pleading to be taken out of there and even saying I'd try to feel different about what I'd done and be sorry in the way I was probably supposed to be if He'd just help me to start trying and keep Little Pinto away from me. It had been almost three years by that point and I was just run ragged. I didn't know how much more of that Hell I could take. I sure didn't know how I would last an eternity, even though I'd made my bed and now I had to sleep in it.
Well, I didn't get any reply and I sure didn't get taken out of there. As far as I was concerned, God had spoke loud and clear that I wasn't welcome in Heaven or anywhere else and that there was no help coming for me. I probably never had been welcome, just like I thought for most of my life. I stumbled up, feeling more lost and alone than ever.
"Sorry, Preacher," I said to the kind but misinformed man as he gathered up the rest of the hymn books. "It doesn't look like there's any way to save this soul."
I was able to hide in the church until that visiting preacher left. To this day, I'm not sure what that meant. Did he bring a more welcoming spirit with him than the regular preacher and that's what opened the church to me for a little while? Once he had to move on, I couldn't get back in again and I was left to Little Pinto's sadistic desires.
Funny thing, though: it wasn't too long after that when Dr. Faustina finally figured out how to revive all of us and I was finally free. I have to wonder why she succeeded. I mean, nobody else has had much luck bringing back the dead in a mad scientist kind of way. Was it just a crazy fluke? Did God let her succeed? I don't know why He'd be okay with people like Little Pinto getting a second chance, but on the other hand, I don't know why He'd figure I was deserving of it either.
I guess you could figure God didn't have anything to do with it or that there isn't a God. I wasn't ever sure. But the more I've actually come through crazy things happening to me, the more I've started to wonder.
I still don't know why my life has been such a mixed-up mess all the way along. I still don't like that it was and I probably never will. I don't know that I'll ever understand the reason either. If there was a reason. But I'm not doing too badly right now. I don't have Chita, and sometimes I guess I still miss the good times, but I know we really couldn't have stayed together. I realize it even more as I've been writing everything out. I have my life back. For once I'm trying to get by honestly. And I actually have friends. So even though it still sounds naive and sappy and ridiculous, maybe it really is true that it's alright in the end.