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31_days2016-08-20 06:10 pm
insaneladybug.livejournal.com) wrote in 31_days2016-08-20 06:10 pm
[August 20th] [The Wild Wild West] Chained to the Past
Title: Chained to the Past
Day/Theme: August 20th - Even if I now saw you only once, I would long for you through worlds, worlds, worlds.
Series: The Wild Wild West (specifically, The Poisonous Posey episode)
Character/Pairing: Snakes Tolliver/Chita McCarthy (she's an OC; he's in my icon)
Rating: T/PG-13
Continued from prior pieces.
By Lucky_Ladybug
I used to play games with my mind when I was feeling especially down about Chita and wondering if things could have ever been different between us. I'd run incidents over and over in my head and come up with other outcomes and how that would've changed the overall picture. It was stupid, but I was upset and lonely and kept wondering if everything would have been different if I'd handled something different than I did. It was running me into the ground, but I couldn't seem to make myself stop.
I finally did after I had a whacked-out dream one night. It started out when I wandered into the casino where I'd first met her. But instead of stumbling on her having a problem, we just passed each other as she was walking out and I was walking in. She was in one of her black gowns with a matching boa and as she slinked past me, our eyes met for a brief moment. Of course there was no recognition on her part. Then she was gone and I was left standing there, staring after her. There had been something special and important about her and I couldn't bear to let her go. I had to catch her and meet her.
The rest of the dream was me trying over and over to find her and catch up to her throughout my life. Whenever I'd get close, I'd reach for her and she'd shimmer and vanish in the glistening lights of her dress, leaving me all alone again.
Eventually I followed her into that vodun shop and the renegade owner was right there with his "friends" from the other side. And one from this side, too. Chita was standing next to him, holding a shotgun. Before I could do anything, she shot me in the heart at close range. As I collapsed, I caught sight of her lowering the gun and kissing the black magic user.
"Bye bye," she whispered. "We're taking over your empire."
Then I was dead, floating and flying and sometimes falling through space. I wasn't in any kind of an afterlife. I passed planets, stars, asteroids, and everything else imaginable. And the creepy thing about it was that I was still longing for Chita and wanting to get back to her.
The dream ended when I came up on a black hole. It morphed into Chita's boa, swirling round and round, and it was pulling me in against my will. Off in the distance I could see her face filling the hole. Then she was coming closer, or I was, and her eyes were filled with shameless greed. With one giant hand she reached out and took me.
I woke up on the floor, tangled up in the quilts. After fighting against them for several minutes, I finally realized what was happening and I slumped back into them, staring up at the darkened ceiling with a groan. I was alive and I was safe. There was no Chita. Not anymore. But the way I'd been acting, it was almost like she was still with me.
My subconscious was speaking loud and clear: I had let myself get chained by Chita from the beginning and she still had power over me after the end. And she had no right to; I was stupid to let it keep happening.
Of course, that didn't completely end things. I was still upset and I still wondered what could have been done different. After that point, though, I mostly wished I had just left things alone after that first silly night and had never tempted her by proposing. And I knew there was no going back and no point in rehashing the past. Somehow, someway, I had to start letting myself heal.
Day/Theme: August 20th - Even if I now saw you only once, I would long for you through worlds, worlds, worlds.
Series: The Wild Wild West (specifically, The Poisonous Posey episode)
Character/Pairing: Snakes Tolliver/Chita McCarthy (she's an OC; he's in my icon)
Rating: T/PG-13
Continued from prior pieces.
I used to play games with my mind when I was feeling especially down about Chita and wondering if things could have ever been different between us. I'd run incidents over and over in my head and come up with other outcomes and how that would've changed the overall picture. It was stupid, but I was upset and lonely and kept wondering if everything would have been different if I'd handled something different than I did. It was running me into the ground, but I couldn't seem to make myself stop.
I finally did after I had a whacked-out dream one night. It started out when I wandered into the casino where I'd first met her. But instead of stumbling on her having a problem, we just passed each other as she was walking out and I was walking in. She was in one of her black gowns with a matching boa and as she slinked past me, our eyes met for a brief moment. Of course there was no recognition on her part. Then she was gone and I was left standing there, staring after her. There had been something special and important about her and I couldn't bear to let her go. I had to catch her and meet her.
The rest of the dream was me trying over and over to find her and catch up to her throughout my life. Whenever I'd get close, I'd reach for her and she'd shimmer and vanish in the glistening lights of her dress, leaving me all alone again.
Eventually I followed her into that vodun shop and the renegade owner was right there with his "friends" from the other side. And one from this side, too. Chita was standing next to him, holding a shotgun. Before I could do anything, she shot me in the heart at close range. As I collapsed, I caught sight of her lowering the gun and kissing the black magic user.
"Bye bye," she whispered. "We're taking over your empire."
Then I was dead, floating and flying and sometimes falling through space. I wasn't in any kind of an afterlife. I passed planets, stars, asteroids, and everything else imaginable. And the creepy thing about it was that I was still longing for Chita and wanting to get back to her.
The dream ended when I came up on a black hole. It morphed into Chita's boa, swirling round and round, and it was pulling me in against my will. Off in the distance I could see her face filling the hole. Then she was coming closer, or I was, and her eyes were filled with shameless greed. With one giant hand she reached out and took me.
I woke up on the floor, tangled up in the quilts. After fighting against them for several minutes, I finally realized what was happening and I slumped back into them, staring up at the darkened ceiling with a groan. I was alive and I was safe. There was no Chita. Not anymore. But the way I'd been acting, it was almost like she was still with me.
My subconscious was speaking loud and clear: I had let myself get chained by Chita from the beginning and she still had power over me after the end. And she had no right to; I was stupid to let it keep happening.
Of course, that didn't completely end things. I was still upset and I still wondered what could have been done different. After that point, though, I mostly wished I had just left things alone after that first silly night and had never tempted her by proposing. And I knew there was no going back and no point in rehashing the past. Somehow, someway, I had to start letting myself heal.