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31_days2016-07-31 12:00 pm
kb9vcn.livejournal.com) wrote in 31_days2016-07-31 12:00 pm
[31-Jul-2016] [Metall/u/rgy] The Naked Truth
Title: The Naked Truth
Prompt: 31-Jul-2016 "the tale's told, the summer's done"
Based on: Metall/u/rgy
Characters: (several)
Type: Humor; ~3200 words
Warnings: Nudity, nudity, and also nudity.
Notes: Also for a couple of /u/ anonymous requests - "something with Chlorine" and "the follow-up of your fic with Aluminium arrested for indecency and questioned by Adamantine."
Nickel and Scandium had struck up a casual friendship after working together several times, and they had met at Chlorine's restaurant for a late lunch. Since the lunch rush was over and the restaurant floor was quiet, the sociable Chlorine had joined their conversation.
"Do either of you have any juicy gossip?" Chlorine asked. "You're both executive assistants. You must know everything that happens in your companies."
"Well, I don't know if I should tell this story..." Nickel said with unconvincing reluctance.
"Tell it!" Chlorine said childishly. "Tell it! Tell it!"
"Oh, alright, if I HAVE to," Nickel said eagerly. "I went in to work early one morning, and..."
—
Iron had spent another night in her office to catch up with her self-imposed workload, but she had finished her work unexpectedly quickly. After raiding the cafeteria for leftovers and enjoying a few choice YouTube videos on her laptop, she had got a full night's sleep on the comfortable couch in her office. And after waking up early, she had taken the stairwell to the basement and used the custodian's shower, as she often did after spending nights at work.
She was in an unusually good mood, and she even hummed to herself as she toweled herself dry. After hanging up her towel, she opened a locker that the custodians had reserved for her. But then, she frowned. I forgot to bring my change of clothes with me, she thought. I guess I'll have to put these clothes on again, and then change out of them in my office. If I were at home, I could just walk to the closet as I am...
Wait a minute, Iron suddenly thought. I AM at home. I spend more time in this office building than at my apartment. I even OWN this building, for goodness' sake.
Could I?...
Iron's business-trained mind quickly analyzed her situation. Only security and the cafeteria staff would be in the building this early in the morning, she thought. Almost no one uses the stairwell at all, and no one would use it now. And there are no security cameras in the stairwell, and my office is next to the stairwell entrance on the top floor...
She began to reach for the towel that she had just hung up. But then, an uncharacteristic smile came to her face. If I'm going to do this, she thought, then I'm doing it PROPERLY.
She grabbed her lanyard, closed her locker and locked it, took a deep breath, and then darted across the basement to the stairwell entrance. The stairwell door was not locking, but it clicked loudly as it closed behind her, and the sound made Iron's heart pound.
What am I DOING!? she thought. I'm in my THIRTIES, I'm at WORK, and I'm STREAKING. I'm going back to my locker and...
But then, her resolve returned. Come on, Iron, she thought. For once in your life, don't 'chicken out' again. You've got this.
Iron ran up the stairwell, easily taking two and three steps at a time with her long legs and tall build. She was a natural runner, and she was in surprisingly good shape for a white-collar workaholic, and she was only lightly winded by the time she reached the top floor landing.
She cracked the stairwell door and peeked out. All clear, she thought. This is the most dangerous part, but it's only a few meters, and then I'll be back in my office.
Iron took another deep breath, pushed the door open and darted across the hall, barged into her office, and then fell back against her door after it closed. She rested her head against the door with eyes closed and giggled to herself. That was FUN! she thought. I might have to do that again sometime!—
"*AHEM*!!"
Iron opened her eyes, and found herself face-to-face with Nickel.
"Good morning, boss," a grinning Nickel said. "I came in early today. I hope you don't mind."
"Good morning, Nickel," said an extremely embarrassed Iron. "That shouldn't be a problem."
They stared at each other for a long silent awkward moment.
"Um... could you please not stare at me like that?" Iron asked.
"No, I really couldn't," Nickel said sincerely. "You're beautiful. It's a shame you're single. If I weren't already in a relationship..." She trailed off.
Iron didn't reply. They stared at each other for awhile longer.
And then, Nickel forced herself to turn away and look out the office window. "You should probably get dressed now," she said quietly.
"I don't suppose you could keep this our little secret?" Iron said hopefully.
Nickel glanced back over her shoulder. "Probably not," she said with a wink. "But who would believe me?"
—
"...and so it seems that I couldn't keep it a secret," Nickel said with no shame. "I don't know if you can believe our workaholic Iron would do something like that. But it's the truth, so help me Mendelev."
"Wow," Scandium said. "That's almost as good as the story I have."
"Let's hear yours, then," Chlorine said.
"Well, I didn't hear about this until after Aluminum called me, but..."
—
A naked Aluminum cowered under a rough jailhouse blanket in a private police-station processing room, her hair still damp and hanging over her face, as if she were a rescued shipwreck victim. And she was as terrified as if she were completely out of her depth and lost at sea.
Sitting behind a desk across from her and fixing her with a steely stare was Adamantine— one of the largest and most intimidating people that Aluminum had ever encountered, in OR out of the military. She was even taller than Iron, and she was far more muscular than the relatively willowy Iron.
Aluminum often bragged on her own military service, but both she and Adamantine knew that the former drill sergeant could break her in half like a dry twig. And while Aluminum was foolish enough to try to flirt her way out of this fix, she was fortunately far too terrified to try to do so.
She gave Adamantine a painfully fake smile. "Um... I was really really really hot?"
Adamantine audibly growled.
Aluminum gulped. "Um... I was attacked by an angry horde of cloth-eating moths?"
Adamantine growled louder.
Aluminum hung her head. "Oh, I give up. This is all my fault for spending time with Mercury—"
Adamantine suddenly cracked a smile. "Did you say MERCURY? I see. That DOES explain it."
Aluminum looked up again and dared allow herself some small hope. "It does?" she squeaked.
"I don't approve of the way you carry on," Adamantine said bluntly, "but I must admit that you're a model citizen. As far as I know, you've never even got a speeding ticket. This foolishness isn't like you. And I could see Mercury talking you into this foolishness."
"You mean—" Aluminum said.
Adamantine smiled and pushed a desk phone towards her. "Call someone to bring you some clothes and pick you up. I'm not going to endanger the career of the CEO of one of our city's most successful businesses over a momentary lapse of reason. And besides, if we prosecuted every incident of indecent exposure, half the city would be tied up in the legal system."
"Does this sort of thing happen a lot?" Aluminum asked.
"I've got another indecent exposure to see to right now," Adamantine said as she stood up. "Repeat offender, that one. I obviously can't say too much, but she's locked herself out of her camper-van again. Anyway, you can wait in this room until your ride comes. And I trust that we won't have to have this conversation again?"
"No Ma'am," Aluminum said reflexively. "Thank you Ma'am."
After Adamantine left, Aluminum took up the phone receiver, but paused. Beryllium and Magnesium are both out of town, she thought, and I'm not gonna call Silver after she went along with Mercury too, and I sure as shootin' ain't gonna call GOLD for help. That means I have only one person whom I can call. I really didn't want to call her like this, but I have no choice.
I know Scandium looks up to me, an ashamed Aluminum thought as she dialed her ever-faithful assistant's mobile. And she's such a good girl. I hope she won't be too disappointed in me.
Scandium picked up on the first ring. "This is Scandium," she said in a worried voice.
Aluminum took a deep breath. "It's Aluminum. I'm so sorry to bother you, but could you pick me up at the police station?"
"WHAT!?" Scandium said. Aluminum could hear her jump up. "ARE YOU OK!?"
"Yes," Aluminum said. "Don't panic, hon. I'm fine. I'm an idiot, but I'm fine. But I have another favor to ask."
"Of course," Scandium said. "Anything at all."
"Could you bring a change of clothes in my size?" Aluminum said. "I, um, don't, um, have any clothing."
"...you're naked?" Scandium asked in an unbelieving voice.
"Yes, I'm afraid so," Aluminum said.
"I WILL BE RIGHT THERE," Scandium said, as if this were the most important task she had ever been assigned.
"Don't rush, hon," Aluminum said. "This is not an emergency—"
"DO NOT WORRY," Scandium said in an unusually authoritative voice. "I WILL BE RIGHT THERE."
Aluminum replaced the handset and smiled to herself. She's SUCH a good girl, a clueless Aluminum thought again. Although, if I didn't know she was such a good girl, I'd think she was rushing here to see me naked...
—
Scandium trailed off as her glasses steamed over and she began to drool lightly. Nickel and Chlorine glanced at each other silently and sadly, as if to say, that poor girl has got it BAD for one of the most clueless idiots in the city.
Chlorine cleared her throat. "My turn to dish. And believe it or not, I can top both of those stories. I remember it as if it happened just last week, since it happened just last week..."
—
After closing up the restaurant, Chlorine stepped through its back door, locked it behind her, and looked up at the clear still night sky. Mercury is away working on science stuff, she thought, and it's too late to go swim a few laps, or even to catch a movie. If there's nothing else to do, I guess I'll just go home.
She walked down the street. Look at all this ambient glittery lighting along this street, she thought. I mean, Christmas comes earlier every year, but THIS is RIDICULOUS!...
She looked down at her feet. That's strange, she thought. I'm having trouble keeping my feet on the ground. I could have sworn that gravity was working, just a moment ago.
And then, she looked up, and found herself drifting up a tractor beam and towards an open bay door in the bottom of a brightly-lit flying saucer.
Oh, Chlorine thought just before she passed out. Well, I suppose I won't just go home after all.
Some time later, Chlorine regained consciousness to find herself in a small dark room deep within the spaceship. She was naked and bound spread-eagle to a medical examination table. The table and walls were lined with alien circuits that softly glowed with power.
I'm not big on the H.R. Giger alien motif, Chlorine thought, but I have to admit that I've been in worse sex dungeons than this one.
After testing her bonds and feeling no give, she turned her head and found two slight olive-skinned aliens looking back at her. Aaaaaand now it's time for 'The Examination', Chlorine guessed. I'll give them an 'A' for effort, but they're not very creative.
One of them held up a glowing box that was apparently some kind of telepathic translation circuit. PLEASE DO NOT BE ALARMED, it said in a slightly robotic voice. WE MEAN YOU NO HARM.
"I bet you say that to all the girls you suck up through the air, strip naked, and tie down on this table," an annoyed Chlorine said.
The alien raised its ciruit and whacked it a couple of times with its free hand, as if it had trouble understanding Chlorine. YOUR THOUGHT PROCESSES ARE HIGHLY UNUSUAL, the alien said. A NORMAL SPECIMEN IN YOUR SITUATION WOULD BE TERRIFIED.
"You're not the first being to tell me that I'm not normal," Chlorine said with no small pride.
IN THAT CASE, the alien said, WE ASK THAT YOU ALLOW US TO EXAMINE YOU MORE CLOSELY. WE HOPE TO LEARN MUCH FROM YOU.
"You're asking me?" a surprised Chlorine said. "Well, in that case, go ahead. But the next time you do this, you gotta ask for consent BEFORE the abduction, not after. I'm not normal, but even I wouldn't normally do this kind of thing until the fifth or sixth date."
THANK YOU, the alien said. It set down its circuit, and then it and its mate both picked up various suggestively-shaped implements.
Chlorine's eyes widened. I thought I'd seen it all, she thought, but I'm not sure I know exactly where all of those are supposed to 'go'. And I'm not sure these guys know either!...
A third alien stepped up behind the busy pair. To Chlorine's astonishment, the third alien grabbed the other aliens' heads and whacked their skulls together with a coconut-cracking sound.
And then, the third alien reached up to its own face, peeled away what was actually a rubber mask, and revealed itself to be Mercury in disguise. "Hey Chloe," said Mercury with a heroic gleam on her teeth. "How's it goin'?"
Chlorine was thrilled to see her rescuer, although some small part of her was disappointed not to learn where those alien implements went. "I would say that this isn't what it looks like," Chlorine said, "but I'm pretty sure I would be lying."
Mercury quickly released her girlfriend from the table, and then gave her a reassuring hug. "I'm so glad you're alright," an emotional Mercury whispered.
"Thank you for rescuing me," Chlorine said. "I want you to know that you are GETTING LAID LIKE NEVER BEFORE for this."
"Cool," said Mercury. "But hold that thought. We're about to get shot."
Chlorine turned back, and found two clearly angry aliens holding energy pistols and rubbing their sore heads.
"You might not have had to attack them like that," Chlorine said nervously. "Come to think of it, that wasn't like you, even if it was more of a Three Stooges move than actual violence."
"Bitches Stole Mah Chloe," said Mercury. "Even *I* have my limits. And besides, you can't trust these guys. If you give 'em an inch, they'll take a foot— and various other body parts."
"Yikes," said Chlorine. "So, now what?"
Mercury casually turned to a wall-mounted control panel and punched a large round red button that was clearly the universal size, shape, and color of a self-destruct switch. Warning klaxons sounded, and the room was bathed in ominous red light.
"THAT," a badass Mercury said smugly.
The two aliens shrieked, dropped their pistols, and ran away while waving their arms in the air.
"Seems to have worked," Chlorine said.
"All we have to do now," Mercury said as she led Chlorine out of the examination room after the aliens, "is get off this ship within the next fifteen minutes before we're blown to subatomic particles."
"Sounds like a plan," Chlorine agreed as they ran along a Doctor Who-esque long alien hallway. "So, how did you find me? And how did you get here, anyway? I assume we're in space now."
"Yep," Mercury said. "I picked up extraterrestrial activity on my custom meteorology equipment, pinpointed it over your restaurant, and then called up Uranium. She hit up some of her 'dot-gov' contacts, and they hooked me up with 'Area 51' intel on this alien race. And then, Ura and I, uh, 'borrowed' a space-capsule from Allie's R&D hangar, and Ura played 'Ground Control' to my 'Major Tom'. By the way, Ura said to say hello."
"I'll reserve the sexual favors for you," Chlorine said, "but tell Uranium that lunch is on me for the next few months."
"Will do," Mercury said as she and Chlorine climbed down a metal ladder at the end of the hallway. "The problem is, I had to force the space-capsule through the bay doors of this ship to board it, and it's too damaged to survive re-entry."
Chlorine gulped. "But— if that's the case, then how will we return to Earth?"
"Escape pods," Mercury said as they reached a short row of phone-booth-sized metal containers. "I saw this set of pods on my way in. They're made for aliens, but all of the aliens will have already ejected by now, and these will work for us too. The hatch is on top, and the ladder is built into the side. Climb in."
"OK," Chlorine said as she began to climb the closest pod. "Um, why are you taking off your spacesuit? Not that I'm complaining."
"It's of no use to me now," Mercury said. "And also, we're about to squeeze both of our human bodies into an escape pod built for one alien. Rather than search out a second spacesuit for you, I thought you would rather have me naked too."
"So, it'll be just you and me, slowly drifting through space, eh?" Chlorine said eagerly. "I imagine that two people in one pod could get all hot and sweaty together IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN."
"Yep," a naked Mercury said as she climbed up behind Chlorine. "We'll probably drift for a few hours before we fall back to Earth. Plenty of time and plenty of privacy to try out some zero-gravity positions that would be impossible on Earth."
"Sounds like an opportunity for me to make good on my first promise," Chlorine said happily as she lowered herself into the pod.
—
"...and as luck would have it," Chlorine said to Nickel and Scandium, "we fell back to Earth in the middle of an outdoor music festival. Neon was on stage, and everyone assumed we were part of her light show. And it WAS a festival, and so we didn't even attract any attention when we emerged naked and exhausted from hours of non-stop freaky space sex..."
Chlorine trailed off under the withering glares of Nickel and Scandium. "I take it you don't believe me," Chlorine said sadly.
Nickel sighed. "Well, if we compensate for your usual levels of Mercurial weirdness, it's no more unbelievable than our stories."
"Wait a minute," Scandium said. "I just realized that you were with Aluminum, and Mercury and the others, just before Aluminum was arrested for indecent exposure. Why didn't you—"
"GOODNESS! Is THAT the TIME!?" Chlorine said loudly as she stood up abruptly. "I gotta get back in the kitchen! That hash ain't gonna sling itself!!"
"And that," Nickel said as she also stood up, "would seem to be the end of today's stories."
"Do you think that WE might be abducted by aliens and, um, 'examined'?" Scandium asked nervously.
"I'd say that it's more likely," Nickel said, "that you'll catch Aluminum streaking in the office stairwells."
"Aluminum streaking in the office?..." Scandium's glasses steamed over and she began to drool lightly again.
I probably shouldn't tease Scandi like that, an amused Nickel thought. But it is a pleasant thought, nonetheless.
Prompt: 31-Jul-2016 "the tale's told, the summer's done"
Based on: Metall/u/rgy
Characters: (several)
Type: Humor; ~3200 words
Warnings: Nudity, nudity, and also nudity.
Notes: Also for a couple of /u/ anonymous requests - "something with Chlorine" and "the follow-up of your fic with Aluminium arrested for indecency and questioned by Adamantine."
Nickel and Scandium had struck up a casual friendship after working together several times, and they had met at Chlorine's restaurant for a late lunch. Since the lunch rush was over and the restaurant floor was quiet, the sociable Chlorine had joined their conversation.
"Do either of you have any juicy gossip?" Chlorine asked. "You're both executive assistants. You must know everything that happens in your companies."
"Well, I don't know if I should tell this story..." Nickel said with unconvincing reluctance.
"Tell it!" Chlorine said childishly. "Tell it! Tell it!"
"Oh, alright, if I HAVE to," Nickel said eagerly. "I went in to work early one morning, and..."
—
Iron had spent another night in her office to catch up with her self-imposed workload, but she had finished her work unexpectedly quickly. After raiding the cafeteria for leftovers and enjoying a few choice YouTube videos on her laptop, she had got a full night's sleep on the comfortable couch in her office. And after waking up early, she had taken the stairwell to the basement and used the custodian's shower, as she often did after spending nights at work.
She was in an unusually good mood, and she even hummed to herself as she toweled herself dry. After hanging up her towel, she opened a locker that the custodians had reserved for her. But then, she frowned. I forgot to bring my change of clothes with me, she thought. I guess I'll have to put these clothes on again, and then change out of them in my office. If I were at home, I could just walk to the closet as I am...
Wait a minute, Iron suddenly thought. I AM at home. I spend more time in this office building than at my apartment. I even OWN this building, for goodness' sake.
Could I?...
Iron's business-trained mind quickly analyzed her situation. Only security and the cafeteria staff would be in the building this early in the morning, she thought. Almost no one uses the stairwell at all, and no one would use it now. And there are no security cameras in the stairwell, and my office is next to the stairwell entrance on the top floor...
She began to reach for the towel that she had just hung up. But then, an uncharacteristic smile came to her face. If I'm going to do this, she thought, then I'm doing it PROPERLY.
She grabbed her lanyard, closed her locker and locked it, took a deep breath, and then darted across the basement to the stairwell entrance. The stairwell door was not locking, but it clicked loudly as it closed behind her, and the sound made Iron's heart pound.
What am I DOING!? she thought. I'm in my THIRTIES, I'm at WORK, and I'm STREAKING. I'm going back to my locker and...
But then, her resolve returned. Come on, Iron, she thought. For once in your life, don't 'chicken out' again. You've got this.
Iron ran up the stairwell, easily taking two and three steps at a time with her long legs and tall build. She was a natural runner, and she was in surprisingly good shape for a white-collar workaholic, and she was only lightly winded by the time she reached the top floor landing.
She cracked the stairwell door and peeked out. All clear, she thought. This is the most dangerous part, but it's only a few meters, and then I'll be back in my office.
Iron took another deep breath, pushed the door open and darted across the hall, barged into her office, and then fell back against her door after it closed. She rested her head against the door with eyes closed and giggled to herself. That was FUN! she thought. I might have to do that again sometime!—
"*AHEM*!!"
Iron opened her eyes, and found herself face-to-face with Nickel.
"Good morning, boss," a grinning Nickel said. "I came in early today. I hope you don't mind."
"Good morning, Nickel," said an extremely embarrassed Iron. "That shouldn't be a problem."
They stared at each other for a long silent awkward moment.
"Um... could you please not stare at me like that?" Iron asked.
"No, I really couldn't," Nickel said sincerely. "You're beautiful. It's a shame you're single. If I weren't already in a relationship..." She trailed off.
Iron didn't reply. They stared at each other for awhile longer.
And then, Nickel forced herself to turn away and look out the office window. "You should probably get dressed now," she said quietly.
"I don't suppose you could keep this our little secret?" Iron said hopefully.
Nickel glanced back over her shoulder. "Probably not," she said with a wink. "But who would believe me?"
—
"...and so it seems that I couldn't keep it a secret," Nickel said with no shame. "I don't know if you can believe our workaholic Iron would do something like that. But it's the truth, so help me Mendelev."
"Wow," Scandium said. "That's almost as good as the story I have."
"Let's hear yours, then," Chlorine said.
"Well, I didn't hear about this until after Aluminum called me, but..."
—
A naked Aluminum cowered under a rough jailhouse blanket in a private police-station processing room, her hair still damp and hanging over her face, as if she were a rescued shipwreck victim. And she was as terrified as if she were completely out of her depth and lost at sea.
Sitting behind a desk across from her and fixing her with a steely stare was Adamantine— one of the largest and most intimidating people that Aluminum had ever encountered, in OR out of the military. She was even taller than Iron, and she was far more muscular than the relatively willowy Iron.
Aluminum often bragged on her own military service, but both she and Adamantine knew that the former drill sergeant could break her in half like a dry twig. And while Aluminum was foolish enough to try to flirt her way out of this fix, she was fortunately far too terrified to try to do so.
She gave Adamantine a painfully fake smile. "Um... I was really really really hot?"
Adamantine audibly growled.
Aluminum gulped. "Um... I was attacked by an angry horde of cloth-eating moths?"
Adamantine growled louder.
Aluminum hung her head. "Oh, I give up. This is all my fault for spending time with Mercury—"
Adamantine suddenly cracked a smile. "Did you say MERCURY? I see. That DOES explain it."
Aluminum looked up again and dared allow herself some small hope. "It does?" she squeaked.
"I don't approve of the way you carry on," Adamantine said bluntly, "but I must admit that you're a model citizen. As far as I know, you've never even got a speeding ticket. This foolishness isn't like you. And I could see Mercury talking you into this foolishness."
"You mean—" Aluminum said.
Adamantine smiled and pushed a desk phone towards her. "Call someone to bring you some clothes and pick you up. I'm not going to endanger the career of the CEO of one of our city's most successful businesses over a momentary lapse of reason. And besides, if we prosecuted every incident of indecent exposure, half the city would be tied up in the legal system."
"Does this sort of thing happen a lot?" Aluminum asked.
"I've got another indecent exposure to see to right now," Adamantine said as she stood up. "Repeat offender, that one. I obviously can't say too much, but she's locked herself out of her camper-van again. Anyway, you can wait in this room until your ride comes. And I trust that we won't have to have this conversation again?"
"No Ma'am," Aluminum said reflexively. "Thank you Ma'am."
After Adamantine left, Aluminum took up the phone receiver, but paused. Beryllium and Magnesium are both out of town, she thought, and I'm not gonna call Silver after she went along with Mercury too, and I sure as shootin' ain't gonna call GOLD for help. That means I have only one person whom I can call. I really didn't want to call her like this, but I have no choice.
I know Scandium looks up to me, an ashamed Aluminum thought as she dialed her ever-faithful assistant's mobile. And she's such a good girl. I hope she won't be too disappointed in me.
Scandium picked up on the first ring. "This is Scandium," she said in a worried voice.
Aluminum took a deep breath. "It's Aluminum. I'm so sorry to bother you, but could you pick me up at the police station?"
"WHAT!?" Scandium said. Aluminum could hear her jump up. "ARE YOU OK!?"
"Yes," Aluminum said. "Don't panic, hon. I'm fine. I'm an idiot, but I'm fine. But I have another favor to ask."
"Of course," Scandium said. "Anything at all."
"Could you bring a change of clothes in my size?" Aluminum said. "I, um, don't, um, have any clothing."
"...you're naked?" Scandium asked in an unbelieving voice.
"Yes, I'm afraid so," Aluminum said.
"I WILL BE RIGHT THERE," Scandium said, as if this were the most important task she had ever been assigned.
"Don't rush, hon," Aluminum said. "This is not an emergency—"
"DO NOT WORRY," Scandium said in an unusually authoritative voice. "I WILL BE RIGHT THERE."
Aluminum replaced the handset and smiled to herself. She's SUCH a good girl, a clueless Aluminum thought again. Although, if I didn't know she was such a good girl, I'd think she was rushing here to see me naked...
—
Scandium trailed off as her glasses steamed over and she began to drool lightly. Nickel and Chlorine glanced at each other silently and sadly, as if to say, that poor girl has got it BAD for one of the most clueless idiots in the city.
Chlorine cleared her throat. "My turn to dish. And believe it or not, I can top both of those stories. I remember it as if it happened just last week, since it happened just last week..."
—
After closing up the restaurant, Chlorine stepped through its back door, locked it behind her, and looked up at the clear still night sky. Mercury is away working on science stuff, she thought, and it's too late to go swim a few laps, or even to catch a movie. If there's nothing else to do, I guess I'll just go home.
She walked down the street. Look at all this ambient glittery lighting along this street, she thought. I mean, Christmas comes earlier every year, but THIS is RIDICULOUS!...
She looked down at her feet. That's strange, she thought. I'm having trouble keeping my feet on the ground. I could have sworn that gravity was working, just a moment ago.
And then, she looked up, and found herself drifting up a tractor beam and towards an open bay door in the bottom of a brightly-lit flying saucer.
Oh, Chlorine thought just before she passed out. Well, I suppose I won't just go home after all.
Some time later, Chlorine regained consciousness to find herself in a small dark room deep within the spaceship. She was naked and bound spread-eagle to a medical examination table. The table and walls were lined with alien circuits that softly glowed with power.
I'm not big on the H.R. Giger alien motif, Chlorine thought, but I have to admit that I've been in worse sex dungeons than this one.
After testing her bonds and feeling no give, she turned her head and found two slight olive-skinned aliens looking back at her. Aaaaaand now it's time for 'The Examination', Chlorine guessed. I'll give them an 'A' for effort, but they're not very creative.
One of them held up a glowing box that was apparently some kind of telepathic translation circuit. PLEASE DO NOT BE ALARMED, it said in a slightly robotic voice. WE MEAN YOU NO HARM.
"I bet you say that to all the girls you suck up through the air, strip naked, and tie down on this table," an annoyed Chlorine said.
The alien raised its ciruit and whacked it a couple of times with its free hand, as if it had trouble understanding Chlorine. YOUR THOUGHT PROCESSES ARE HIGHLY UNUSUAL, the alien said. A NORMAL SPECIMEN IN YOUR SITUATION WOULD BE TERRIFIED.
"You're not the first being to tell me that I'm not normal," Chlorine said with no small pride.
IN THAT CASE, the alien said, WE ASK THAT YOU ALLOW US TO EXAMINE YOU MORE CLOSELY. WE HOPE TO LEARN MUCH FROM YOU.
"You're asking me?" a surprised Chlorine said. "Well, in that case, go ahead. But the next time you do this, you gotta ask for consent BEFORE the abduction, not after. I'm not normal, but even I wouldn't normally do this kind of thing until the fifth or sixth date."
THANK YOU, the alien said. It set down its circuit, and then it and its mate both picked up various suggestively-shaped implements.
Chlorine's eyes widened. I thought I'd seen it all, she thought, but I'm not sure I know exactly where all of those are supposed to 'go'. And I'm not sure these guys know either!...
A third alien stepped up behind the busy pair. To Chlorine's astonishment, the third alien grabbed the other aliens' heads and whacked their skulls together with a coconut-cracking sound.
And then, the third alien reached up to its own face, peeled away what was actually a rubber mask, and revealed itself to be Mercury in disguise. "Hey Chloe," said Mercury with a heroic gleam on her teeth. "How's it goin'?"
Chlorine was thrilled to see her rescuer, although some small part of her was disappointed not to learn where those alien implements went. "I would say that this isn't what it looks like," Chlorine said, "but I'm pretty sure I would be lying."
Mercury quickly released her girlfriend from the table, and then gave her a reassuring hug. "I'm so glad you're alright," an emotional Mercury whispered.
"Thank you for rescuing me," Chlorine said. "I want you to know that you are GETTING LAID LIKE NEVER BEFORE for this."
"Cool," said Mercury. "But hold that thought. We're about to get shot."
Chlorine turned back, and found two clearly angry aliens holding energy pistols and rubbing their sore heads.
"You might not have had to attack them like that," Chlorine said nervously. "Come to think of it, that wasn't like you, even if it was more of a Three Stooges move than actual violence."
"Bitches Stole Mah Chloe," said Mercury. "Even *I* have my limits. And besides, you can't trust these guys. If you give 'em an inch, they'll take a foot— and various other body parts."
"Yikes," said Chlorine. "So, now what?"
Mercury casually turned to a wall-mounted control panel and punched a large round red button that was clearly the universal size, shape, and color of a self-destruct switch. Warning klaxons sounded, and the room was bathed in ominous red light.
"THAT," a badass Mercury said smugly.
The two aliens shrieked, dropped their pistols, and ran away while waving their arms in the air.
"Seems to have worked," Chlorine said.
"All we have to do now," Mercury said as she led Chlorine out of the examination room after the aliens, "is get off this ship within the next fifteen minutes before we're blown to subatomic particles."
"Sounds like a plan," Chlorine agreed as they ran along a Doctor Who-esque long alien hallway. "So, how did you find me? And how did you get here, anyway? I assume we're in space now."
"Yep," Mercury said. "I picked up extraterrestrial activity on my custom meteorology equipment, pinpointed it over your restaurant, and then called up Uranium. She hit up some of her 'dot-gov' contacts, and they hooked me up with 'Area 51' intel on this alien race. And then, Ura and I, uh, 'borrowed' a space-capsule from Allie's R&D hangar, and Ura played 'Ground Control' to my 'Major Tom'. By the way, Ura said to say hello."
"I'll reserve the sexual favors for you," Chlorine said, "but tell Uranium that lunch is on me for the next few months."
"Will do," Mercury said as she and Chlorine climbed down a metal ladder at the end of the hallway. "The problem is, I had to force the space-capsule through the bay doors of this ship to board it, and it's too damaged to survive re-entry."
Chlorine gulped. "But— if that's the case, then how will we return to Earth?"
"Escape pods," Mercury said as they reached a short row of phone-booth-sized metal containers. "I saw this set of pods on my way in. They're made for aliens, but all of the aliens will have already ejected by now, and these will work for us too. The hatch is on top, and the ladder is built into the side. Climb in."
"OK," Chlorine said as she began to climb the closest pod. "Um, why are you taking off your spacesuit? Not that I'm complaining."
"It's of no use to me now," Mercury said. "And also, we're about to squeeze both of our human bodies into an escape pod built for one alien. Rather than search out a second spacesuit for you, I thought you would rather have me naked too."
"So, it'll be just you and me, slowly drifting through space, eh?" Chlorine said eagerly. "I imagine that two people in one pod could get all hot and sweaty together IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN."
"Yep," a naked Mercury said as she climbed up behind Chlorine. "We'll probably drift for a few hours before we fall back to Earth. Plenty of time and plenty of privacy to try out some zero-gravity positions that would be impossible on Earth."
"Sounds like an opportunity for me to make good on my first promise," Chlorine said happily as she lowered herself into the pod.
—
"...and as luck would have it," Chlorine said to Nickel and Scandium, "we fell back to Earth in the middle of an outdoor music festival. Neon was on stage, and everyone assumed we were part of her light show. And it WAS a festival, and so we didn't even attract any attention when we emerged naked and exhausted from hours of non-stop freaky space sex..."
Chlorine trailed off under the withering glares of Nickel and Scandium. "I take it you don't believe me," Chlorine said sadly.
Nickel sighed. "Well, if we compensate for your usual levels of Mercurial weirdness, it's no more unbelievable than our stories."
"Wait a minute," Scandium said. "I just realized that you were with Aluminum, and Mercury and the others, just before Aluminum was arrested for indecent exposure. Why didn't you—"
"GOODNESS! Is THAT the TIME!?" Chlorine said loudly as she stood up abruptly. "I gotta get back in the kitchen! That hash ain't gonna sling itself!!"
"And that," Nickel said as she also stood up, "would seem to be the end of today's stories."
"Do you think that WE might be abducted by aliens and, um, 'examined'?" Scandium asked nervously.
"I'd say that it's more likely," Nickel said, "that you'll catch Aluminum streaking in the office stairwells."
"Aluminum streaking in the office?..." Scandium's glasses steamed over and she began to drool lightly again.
I probably shouldn't tease Scandi like that, an amused Nickel thought. But it is a pleasant thought, nonetheless.