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31_days2014-11-23 10:35 pm
insaneladybug.livejournal.com) wrote in 31_days2014-11-23 10:35 pm
[November 23rd] [Once Upon a Time] The Burden of Innocence
Title: The Burden of Innocence
Day/Theme: November 23rd - There’s nothing more beautiful in this universe than innocence. And nothing more terrible.
Series: Once Upon a Time
Character/Pairing: Rumpelstiltskin, Neal
Rating: K+/PG
Continuing from the same point as the piece right below this on the community page. Seasons 3B and 4A haven't happened.
By Lucky_Ladybug
Rumpelstiltskin was sitting at the bar in his mansion, gazing off at the mirror behind it without really seeing it. In his hand he held a drink, which he seemed to have forgotten some time ago.
It hadn’t been that long ago that Belle had broken the spell over his death and saved him. He was still trying to fully process all that had happened. According to what he had been told, weeks, even months, had passed since Pan’s defeat, yet he had not been part of that and instead had time-traveled directly to the night when he was found and taken to the morgue.
He wasn’t entirely sure he believed that. It seemed so much longer, as though he had experienced every bit of the weeks or months separated from Belle in that enchanted, deathlike state. Naturally he couldn’t have lain in the road all that time without anyone noticing; they had found their way back to Storybrooke some time before he had been discovered.
Perhaps time-travel wasn’t always as instantaneous as portrayed in the media. Or perhaps there was another explanation. In any case, he remembered times of wondering if death was nothing more than an endless oblivion forevermore, or if that was just his own personal death and Hell—for if there truly was a Hell, that was surely where he would go upon dying.
He had always been so afraid of death, yet when it had come to him by his own choice, he had felt so numb and detached from it. It wasn’t like the enchanted deaths that Henry and Snow White and Sleeping Beauty had experienced, where they were trapped in burning rooms. And he hadn’t experienced night terrors following his revival, as they had. Yet an enchanted death it had surely been, or Belle could not have brought him back. There was no way back from a true death. At least, not that he had found. Despite all of his research through the centuries, there were still many mysteries that even he had not solved.
And what of his current state? According to The Blue Fairy, he was no longer immortal or The Dark One, since he had willingly given it up to defeat Pan. In some ways, he didn’t really feel different, not yet. But in other, small ways, he could feel the weight of his age creeping up on him.
He still had the knowledge of the spells he had learned through the centuries, so that was a comfort, but he felt apprehension over being a mortal man again. He would be so vulnerable if the town learned that secret. As far as he knew, only he, Belle, The Blue Fairy, and Dr. Whale were aware of it. Dr. Whale mostly kept to himself and likely would have no reason to talk about it, but Rumpel really didn’t trust The Blue Fairy. There had always been something strange about her, not the least of which was how she hadn’t told Baelfire that he could break the curse of The Dark One with True Love’s Kiss and instead had convinced him to go away using magic beans. She might someday use her knowledge of Rumpelstiltskin’s mortality to his detriment.
The upside to being mortal was that he would not likely outlive his loved ones. He did wonder if he would ever be with them again after death, considering the centuries worth of sins he had accumulated, but for now he supposed he wouldn’t let it worry him too much. He would embrace the present and the time they would have together now.
He was so caught up in his thoughts that at first he didn’t notice when Neal came in and hesitantly sat next to him. “Papa?”
Rumpel turned in surprise. “Bae? What is it?”
Neal sighed, not about to protest and say again that he preferred the name he had chosen in the modern world. “I . . . I’m not good at this, but I just wanted to say that I really am glad you’re back. And I’m sorry I couldn’t do anything to help you. Maybe if I had trusted you in Neverland instead of letting Pan divide us, a lot of things wouldn’t have happened.”
Rumpel was further surprised, even stunned, by Neal’s comments—and moreso by Neal’s sincerity. “Bae, you haven’t been blaming yourself for my death, have you?”
“I don’t know,” Neal said in confused frustration. “Maybe it’s more that I’m just mad I didn’t use our time together better. I stayed so angry at you all through the years because you didn’t follow me through the portal. Then when I saw you again, that was all I could think about. I couldn’t forgive you or trust you. And suddenly you were gone, just like that.” He shook his head. “I started realizing that I’d wasted so much time being unforgiving.”
“Bae, I don’t blame you,” Rumpel said kindly, honestly. “I can’t imagine anyone wouldn’t have felt the same. I regretted not going with you the instant it was too late. I hated myself for my cowardice. And for centuries, everything I did from that point on was to find you again.”
“I know that now,” Neal said, humbled. “But Papa . . . when you were always so afraid of losing your power and your life, how did you get the strength to do what you did to stop Pan?”
“I’m not even sure myself,” Rumpel replied. “I just knew that for once, I had to do something right. I couldn’t let Pan get to you and Belle. And unless I gave up my life to stop him, no defeat of his would be permanent.”
“I haven’t been so good at doing the right thing, either,” Neal said. “I’ve mostly done the wrong things ever since I went through the portal. I want to make things right with you, and I also want to make things right with Emma and Henry.”
“Have you had any luck finding out where they are?” Rumpel asked.
“Not really,” Neal admitted. “I was wondering if you still have that thing you used to find me and if I could use it to find them.”
Rumpel stopped to think. “I brought it back from Neverland after using it to find Henry then. It should be in the shop somewhere, if everything in Storybrooke was restored when you found the way back.”
“I thought it would be in there somewhere, but I haven’t been able to find it,” Neal said in frustration.
“I probably put it where I hoped no one else could get to it,” Rumpel said, “since I didn’t think I’d be coming back.” He got down from the barstool. “We can go look now, if you’d like.”
“Yeah, I would,” Neal said. “The longer they’re gone, the more I worry about what they’re getting into.”
Rumpel paused. “They have new memories now, according to what you and Belle told me. Perhaps they’re happier in their current lives.”
“So I should just leave them there when we find them?” Neal frowned. “I don’t think so. This family’s had a bad history of not being there when they should be. Your dad choosing to be a kid again and just abandoning you . . . you being too scared to give up your power and follow me into a world without magic . . . me leaving Emma because Pinocchio told me she was the Savior of Storybrooke and I was leading her down a wrong path. . . .” He shook his head. “No more. I want to break that pattern. Anyway, even if they’re happy now, I know Emma well enough to know that she wouldn’t want to live a lie. Henry didn’t want that, either. He was just starting to bond with Regina and didn’t want to leave her.”
Rumpel considered that and finally nodded. “Even if a lie is beautiful, more beautiful than reality, it still isn’t the truth and isn’t what you are. I lived a lie for so many years, Bae—filled with power and pretending I wasn’t the coward I knew I was.” He sighed. “And you’re right about this family’s past. Sometimes I’ve thought that innocence is simultaneously the most beautiful and the most terrible thing in this or any world.” Taking up his cane, he limped toward the door.
“Yeah?” Neal followed him. “Just how do you figure that?”
“Think about the lives of children, Bae.” Rumpel opened the door and stepped into the oncoming winter chill. It was almost Thanksgiving now, and autumn leaves had blown across the porch. Rumpel glanced down at them and then up, across the yard. “Everything is so new, so wonderful. There’s always something exciting to explore or someone new to meet.”
He paused for effect. “And then someday the adult world suddenly intrudes on your Valhalla and you realize the world isn’t really new and exciting and magical, but cold and cruel and filled with people who will betray you. Even those you trust most intimately don’t stand by you. Perhaps, if you hadn’t ever been so innocent and trusting to begin with, it wouldn’t be as crushing a blow as it is.”
Neal sobered. “I guess we both grew up feeling like that. It really messes people up.”
Rumpel nodded. “And yet, if there wasn’t any innocence, that would make for a bleak world as well.”
“There’s never an easy answer, is there?” Neal said wryly.
“Not often.
“I will help you find Emma and Henry, Bae. Belle will help as well. There has already been damage done to Emma, but perhaps that can be rectified and you and she can reconnect as you and I have the chance to now.”
“And maybe we can break the pattern before it affects Henry too.” Neal finally started to smile. “Thank you, Papa.”
Rumpel looked to him. “Thank you, Bae, for giving me something I didn’t deserve—another chance.”
“You did deserve it,” Neal declared. “I just hope that with Emma and Henry, I deserve it too.”
“You do, Bae,” Rumpel insisted. “You do.”
Day/Theme: November 23rd - There’s nothing more beautiful in this universe than innocence. And nothing more terrible.
Series: Once Upon a Time
Character/Pairing: Rumpelstiltskin, Neal
Rating: K+/PG
Continuing from the same point as the piece right below this on the community page. Seasons 3B and 4A haven't happened.
Rumpelstiltskin was sitting at the bar in his mansion, gazing off at the mirror behind it without really seeing it. In his hand he held a drink, which he seemed to have forgotten some time ago.
It hadn’t been that long ago that Belle had broken the spell over his death and saved him. He was still trying to fully process all that had happened. According to what he had been told, weeks, even months, had passed since Pan’s defeat, yet he had not been part of that and instead had time-traveled directly to the night when he was found and taken to the morgue.
He wasn’t entirely sure he believed that. It seemed so much longer, as though he had experienced every bit of the weeks or months separated from Belle in that enchanted, deathlike state. Naturally he couldn’t have lain in the road all that time without anyone noticing; they had found their way back to Storybrooke some time before he had been discovered.
Perhaps time-travel wasn’t always as instantaneous as portrayed in the media. Or perhaps there was another explanation. In any case, he remembered times of wondering if death was nothing more than an endless oblivion forevermore, or if that was just his own personal death and Hell—for if there truly was a Hell, that was surely where he would go upon dying.
He had always been so afraid of death, yet when it had come to him by his own choice, he had felt so numb and detached from it. It wasn’t like the enchanted deaths that Henry and Snow White and Sleeping Beauty had experienced, where they were trapped in burning rooms. And he hadn’t experienced night terrors following his revival, as they had. Yet an enchanted death it had surely been, or Belle could not have brought him back. There was no way back from a true death. At least, not that he had found. Despite all of his research through the centuries, there were still many mysteries that even he had not solved.
And what of his current state? According to The Blue Fairy, he was no longer immortal or The Dark One, since he had willingly given it up to defeat Pan. In some ways, he didn’t really feel different, not yet. But in other, small ways, he could feel the weight of his age creeping up on him.
He still had the knowledge of the spells he had learned through the centuries, so that was a comfort, but he felt apprehension over being a mortal man again. He would be so vulnerable if the town learned that secret. As far as he knew, only he, Belle, The Blue Fairy, and Dr. Whale were aware of it. Dr. Whale mostly kept to himself and likely would have no reason to talk about it, but Rumpel really didn’t trust The Blue Fairy. There had always been something strange about her, not the least of which was how she hadn’t told Baelfire that he could break the curse of The Dark One with True Love’s Kiss and instead had convinced him to go away using magic beans. She might someday use her knowledge of Rumpelstiltskin’s mortality to his detriment.
The upside to being mortal was that he would not likely outlive his loved ones. He did wonder if he would ever be with them again after death, considering the centuries worth of sins he had accumulated, but for now he supposed he wouldn’t let it worry him too much. He would embrace the present and the time they would have together now.
He was so caught up in his thoughts that at first he didn’t notice when Neal came in and hesitantly sat next to him. “Papa?”
Rumpel turned in surprise. “Bae? What is it?”
Neal sighed, not about to protest and say again that he preferred the name he had chosen in the modern world. “I . . . I’m not good at this, but I just wanted to say that I really am glad you’re back. And I’m sorry I couldn’t do anything to help you. Maybe if I had trusted you in Neverland instead of letting Pan divide us, a lot of things wouldn’t have happened.”
Rumpel was further surprised, even stunned, by Neal’s comments—and moreso by Neal’s sincerity. “Bae, you haven’t been blaming yourself for my death, have you?”
“I don’t know,” Neal said in confused frustration. “Maybe it’s more that I’m just mad I didn’t use our time together better. I stayed so angry at you all through the years because you didn’t follow me through the portal. Then when I saw you again, that was all I could think about. I couldn’t forgive you or trust you. And suddenly you were gone, just like that.” He shook his head. “I started realizing that I’d wasted so much time being unforgiving.”
“Bae, I don’t blame you,” Rumpel said kindly, honestly. “I can’t imagine anyone wouldn’t have felt the same. I regretted not going with you the instant it was too late. I hated myself for my cowardice. And for centuries, everything I did from that point on was to find you again.”
“I know that now,” Neal said, humbled. “But Papa . . . when you were always so afraid of losing your power and your life, how did you get the strength to do what you did to stop Pan?”
“I’m not even sure myself,” Rumpel replied. “I just knew that for once, I had to do something right. I couldn’t let Pan get to you and Belle. And unless I gave up my life to stop him, no defeat of his would be permanent.”
“I haven’t been so good at doing the right thing, either,” Neal said. “I’ve mostly done the wrong things ever since I went through the portal. I want to make things right with you, and I also want to make things right with Emma and Henry.”
“Have you had any luck finding out where they are?” Rumpel asked.
“Not really,” Neal admitted. “I was wondering if you still have that thing you used to find me and if I could use it to find them.”
Rumpel stopped to think. “I brought it back from Neverland after using it to find Henry then. It should be in the shop somewhere, if everything in Storybrooke was restored when you found the way back.”
“I thought it would be in there somewhere, but I haven’t been able to find it,” Neal said in frustration.
“I probably put it where I hoped no one else could get to it,” Rumpel said, “since I didn’t think I’d be coming back.” He got down from the barstool. “We can go look now, if you’d like.”
“Yeah, I would,” Neal said. “The longer they’re gone, the more I worry about what they’re getting into.”
Rumpel paused. “They have new memories now, according to what you and Belle told me. Perhaps they’re happier in their current lives.”
“So I should just leave them there when we find them?” Neal frowned. “I don’t think so. This family’s had a bad history of not being there when they should be. Your dad choosing to be a kid again and just abandoning you . . . you being too scared to give up your power and follow me into a world without magic . . . me leaving Emma because Pinocchio told me she was the Savior of Storybrooke and I was leading her down a wrong path. . . .” He shook his head. “No more. I want to break that pattern. Anyway, even if they’re happy now, I know Emma well enough to know that she wouldn’t want to live a lie. Henry didn’t want that, either. He was just starting to bond with Regina and didn’t want to leave her.”
Rumpel considered that and finally nodded. “Even if a lie is beautiful, more beautiful than reality, it still isn’t the truth and isn’t what you are. I lived a lie for so many years, Bae—filled with power and pretending I wasn’t the coward I knew I was.” He sighed. “And you’re right about this family’s past. Sometimes I’ve thought that innocence is simultaneously the most beautiful and the most terrible thing in this or any world.” Taking up his cane, he limped toward the door.
“Yeah?” Neal followed him. “Just how do you figure that?”
“Think about the lives of children, Bae.” Rumpel opened the door and stepped into the oncoming winter chill. It was almost Thanksgiving now, and autumn leaves had blown across the porch. Rumpel glanced down at them and then up, across the yard. “Everything is so new, so wonderful. There’s always something exciting to explore or someone new to meet.”
He paused for effect. “And then someday the adult world suddenly intrudes on your Valhalla and you realize the world isn’t really new and exciting and magical, but cold and cruel and filled with people who will betray you. Even those you trust most intimately don’t stand by you. Perhaps, if you hadn’t ever been so innocent and trusting to begin with, it wouldn’t be as crushing a blow as it is.”
Neal sobered. “I guess we both grew up feeling like that. It really messes people up.”
Rumpel nodded. “And yet, if there wasn’t any innocence, that would make for a bleak world as well.”
“There’s never an easy answer, is there?” Neal said wryly.
“Not often.
“I will help you find Emma and Henry, Bae. Belle will help as well. There has already been damage done to Emma, but perhaps that can be rectified and you and she can reconnect as you and I have the chance to now.”
“And maybe we can break the pattern before it affects Henry too.” Neal finally started to smile. “Thank you, Papa.”
Rumpel looked to him. “Thank you, Bae, for giving me something I didn’t deserve—another chance.”
“You did deserve it,” Neal declared. “I just hope that with Emma and Henry, I deserve it too.”
“You do, Bae,” Rumpel insisted. “You do.”