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31_days2014-05-21 06:13 pm
bane-6.livejournal.com) wrote in 31_days2014-05-21 06:13 pm
[May 21] [Pacific Rim] Dissolving
Title: Dissolving
Day/Theme: 21. greng-jai (not wanting someone to do something for you because it would inconvenience them)Series: Pacific Rim
Character/Pairing: Hermann/Newt
Rating: part 21 of 31, Newt's POV
Nothing was working exactly right. The Mumbler could be hurt. He had tortured the poor thing every day. It wasn't enough. He couldn't tell what kind of damage he was really doing. Maybe there wasn't a whole hivemind like last time. Maybe the Mumblers were only a hive of Mumblers and not connected to the Manticore or Gullinbursti at all. He would need another live one to be sure.
The easiest way to find out would be to Drift with it, but the thought of going in without Hermann felt queasy and wrong. It probably wasn't a good idea to form a link with something he was doing his best to torment. And if there was any chance of them learning secrets from him, he couldn't risk it. He wondered if one of Hermann's AIs could be used to Drift with it. If there was a way to download from the Kaiju's brain to the AI, then they could just kill the dribbling thing and he could go back to his real lab. He could sleep at night and be with Hermann without hating himself for what he was doing.
He couldn't just swipe one of the AIs though. They were all carefully tweaked for their jobs. He couldn't ask Hermann for one, because then Hermann would know what he was up to. He would be horrified. Might be disgusted. Newt had disgusted him for years, but if he felt a fraction of the ugliness Newt did, he might never look at him the same way again. And that was worse than this. As miserable as it was to hide in this dungeon and use all of his precious knowledge to cause so much suffering, if it worked he could have his old life back. No one would be the wiser, and he could go back to being his real self.
How to do it without involving Hermann. No one else could design anything to compare with Hermann's. He would have to get something a few levels below and then configure it for his purposes. The only person he knew of that could arrange something like that was Hannibal Chau. As soon as that thought was considered, he felt a mental gasp. Dammit, Hermann had caught that and before the chagrin could even set in, the door opened. There Hermann was, looking at him like he'd been caught cheating. Seriously, what else would that mixture of betrayed and hurt and angry be compared to? It wasn't just the expression, either. Newt felt it unfold in his own stomach and any dismay he might've tried to turn belligerent dissolved in it.
"What do I have to do?" he groaned, throwing up his hands and arching backwards. "Do I have to leave this base entirely to put enough space between us?" He covered his face with his hands. "I don't want to leave, Hermann, but I can not drag you down with me!"
"You made me promise not to leave, remember?" Hermann's voice was barely above a whisper. "If you go, I'll have to follow." He sat down carefully, legs shaky under him. Newt slumped, despair draining him into a puddle in the floor beside the chair. His head ended up leaning near Hermann's knee and he felt long, thin fingers dig into his hair.
"I couldn't ask it of you," he tried to explain. "I couldn't ask and have you see how fucked up it all is."
"But you'd leave me to ask someone else," Hermann said. "And not even tell me why." The self-loathing that Newt had been brewing since he started this bubbled over and he clambered up to wrap his arms around Hermann's waist.
"I'm ruining everything," he moaned into Hermann's stomach. "And I have to keep something safe. So there'll be something left for me when it's over." This close, with his emotions unchecked, the things he had tried so hard to keep hidden came to the surface and and Hermann's grip in his hair tightened.
"You're doing something," Hermann realized. "Something you're afraid of…"
"Deal with the Devil," Newt whispered. "And get what you asked for, but lose everything else."
Day/Theme: 21. greng-jai (not wanting someone to do something for you because it would inconvenience them)Series: Pacific Rim
Character/Pairing: Hermann/Newt
Rating: part 21 of 31, Newt's POV
Nothing was working exactly right. The Mumbler could be hurt. He had tortured the poor thing every day. It wasn't enough. He couldn't tell what kind of damage he was really doing. Maybe there wasn't a whole hivemind like last time. Maybe the Mumblers were only a hive of Mumblers and not connected to the Manticore or Gullinbursti at all. He would need another live one to be sure.
The easiest way to find out would be to Drift with it, but the thought of going in without Hermann felt queasy and wrong. It probably wasn't a good idea to form a link with something he was doing his best to torment. And if there was any chance of them learning secrets from him, he couldn't risk it. He wondered if one of Hermann's AIs could be used to Drift with it. If there was a way to download from the Kaiju's brain to the AI, then they could just kill the dribbling thing and he could go back to his real lab. He could sleep at night and be with Hermann without hating himself for what he was doing.
He couldn't just swipe one of the AIs though. They were all carefully tweaked for their jobs. He couldn't ask Hermann for one, because then Hermann would know what he was up to. He would be horrified. Might be disgusted. Newt had disgusted him for years, but if he felt a fraction of the ugliness Newt did, he might never look at him the same way again. And that was worse than this. As miserable as it was to hide in this dungeon and use all of his precious knowledge to cause so much suffering, if it worked he could have his old life back. No one would be the wiser, and he could go back to being his real self.
How to do it without involving Hermann. No one else could design anything to compare with Hermann's. He would have to get something a few levels below and then configure it for his purposes. The only person he knew of that could arrange something like that was Hannibal Chau. As soon as that thought was considered, he felt a mental gasp. Dammit, Hermann had caught that and before the chagrin could even set in, the door opened. There Hermann was, looking at him like he'd been caught cheating. Seriously, what else would that mixture of betrayed and hurt and angry be compared to? It wasn't just the expression, either. Newt felt it unfold in his own stomach and any dismay he might've tried to turn belligerent dissolved in it.
"What do I have to do?" he groaned, throwing up his hands and arching backwards. "Do I have to leave this base entirely to put enough space between us?" He covered his face with his hands. "I don't want to leave, Hermann, but I can not drag you down with me!"
"You made me promise not to leave, remember?" Hermann's voice was barely above a whisper. "If you go, I'll have to follow." He sat down carefully, legs shaky under him. Newt slumped, despair draining him into a puddle in the floor beside the chair. His head ended up leaning near Hermann's knee and he felt long, thin fingers dig into his hair.
"I couldn't ask it of you," he tried to explain. "I couldn't ask and have you see how fucked up it all is."
"But you'd leave me to ask someone else," Hermann said. "And not even tell me why." The self-loathing that Newt had been brewing since he started this bubbled over and he clambered up to wrap his arms around Hermann's waist.
"I'm ruining everything," he moaned into Hermann's stomach. "And I have to keep something safe. So there'll be something left for me when it's over." This close, with his emotions unchecked, the things he had tried so hard to keep hidden came to the surface and and Hermann's grip in his hair tightened.
"You're doing something," Hermann realized. "Something you're afraid of…"
"Deal with the Devil," Newt whispered. "And get what you asked for, but lose everything else."