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31_days2014-05-15 04:46 pm
bane-6.livejournal.com) wrote in 31_days2014-05-15 04:46 pm
[May 15] [Pacific Rim] Ashes
Title: Ashes
Day/Theme: 15. ya'aburnee ("may you bury me", one's hope of dying before another because it'd be too hard to live without them)
Series: Pacific Rim
Character/Pairing: Hermann/Newt
Rating: part 15 of 31
Three days later, at four in the morning, Newt came stumbling to bed. Hermann was sitting up reading, but put aside the book and held out his arms for him. Newt pulled off whatever would come off between the door and the bed and just collapsed with the rest. Hermann cuddled him close, which should've sent him into warm, fuzzy glee. Now, it just made him want to cry.
"You're so tired," Hermann murmured. "You've been working hard. I can tell that from a distance, but-"
"Don't," Newt sniffled.
"-you don't want me to know about it," Hermann finished. "And so, I, I haven't pried. I've tried to focus on how you're feeling and not what you're thinking. I can feel you panic every time our minds touch these days." He was being so accepting and gentle that Newt knew he was exhausted too. He really was trying to butt out, and trying even harder not to be hurt or angry at being shut out in the first place.
"I'm selfish," Newt said. "I want this on me, not you. It might not work, it might be horrible." He could feel Hermann about to offer to help and barged ahead. "I'd rather you be safe than me. All the blame, all the…" He couldn't think of the right word. "Stuff. All on me. No sharing. I wouldn't be able to stand it if it was you that had to pay for this. If anybody get buried for it, I want it to be me."
"Don't you dare. Even. Imagine." Hermann's voice was too tired to be as ferocious as it had been days ago when they had Drifted, but the same fire was behind it. "That being left behind would be a mercy."
"I know," Newt squeezed his eyes shut against the glare of Hermann's reading lamp and Hermann stretched to turn it off. In the dark, Hermann's hands felt distant and disembodied as they unbuckled his belt and buttons and helped peel off his work clothes. "I'm not talking funerals or anything, just, just… stuff."
"Your paperwork says you want to be cremated," Hermann said. He sounded far away too.
"I haven't changed that since I first joined," Newt said. He tried to make it sound funny, but it came out small and pathetic. "Would you rather have my ashes or visit a tombstone?"
Hermann was quiet for so long that Newt got nervous and finally reached out through their connection. He got a flash of all the funerals Hermann had ever been to. There had been times when Hermann had been the only one there and he had just ended up standing there for as long as he was able, because what else could he do? And if there wasn't a funeral? Just imagining it had paralyzed Hermann. In his mind he was just sitting there, clutching an urn and unable to move or think without it hurting. How long would that vigil last? Would he just curl up with it and die, too? It seemed possible.
"Please don't ever do that to me," Hermann finally said.
"No promises," Newt said, and that was cruel and he grimaced. "But same to you."
Day/Theme: 15. ya'aburnee ("may you bury me", one's hope of dying before another because it'd be too hard to live without them)
Series: Pacific Rim
Character/Pairing: Hermann/Newt
Rating: part 15 of 31
Three days later, at four in the morning, Newt came stumbling to bed. Hermann was sitting up reading, but put aside the book and held out his arms for him. Newt pulled off whatever would come off between the door and the bed and just collapsed with the rest. Hermann cuddled him close, which should've sent him into warm, fuzzy glee. Now, it just made him want to cry.
"You're so tired," Hermann murmured. "You've been working hard. I can tell that from a distance, but-"
"Don't," Newt sniffled.
"-you don't want me to know about it," Hermann finished. "And so, I, I haven't pried. I've tried to focus on how you're feeling and not what you're thinking. I can feel you panic every time our minds touch these days." He was being so accepting and gentle that Newt knew he was exhausted too. He really was trying to butt out, and trying even harder not to be hurt or angry at being shut out in the first place.
"I'm selfish," Newt said. "I want this on me, not you. It might not work, it might be horrible." He could feel Hermann about to offer to help and barged ahead. "I'd rather you be safe than me. All the blame, all the…" He couldn't think of the right word. "Stuff. All on me. No sharing. I wouldn't be able to stand it if it was you that had to pay for this. If anybody get buried for it, I want it to be me."
"Don't you dare. Even. Imagine." Hermann's voice was too tired to be as ferocious as it had been days ago when they had Drifted, but the same fire was behind it. "That being left behind would be a mercy."
"I know," Newt squeezed his eyes shut against the glare of Hermann's reading lamp and Hermann stretched to turn it off. In the dark, Hermann's hands felt distant and disembodied as they unbuckled his belt and buttons and helped peel off his work clothes. "I'm not talking funerals or anything, just, just… stuff."
"Your paperwork says you want to be cremated," Hermann said. He sounded far away too.
"I haven't changed that since I first joined," Newt said. He tried to make it sound funny, but it came out small and pathetic. "Would you rather have my ashes or visit a tombstone?"
Hermann was quiet for so long that Newt got nervous and finally reached out through their connection. He got a flash of all the funerals Hermann had ever been to. There had been times when Hermann had been the only one there and he had just ended up standing there for as long as he was able, because what else could he do? And if there wasn't a funeral? Just imagining it had paralyzed Hermann. In his mind he was just sitting there, clutching an urn and unable to move or think without it hurting. How long would that vigil last? Would he just curl up with it and die, too? It seemed possible.
"Please don't ever do that to me," Hermann finally said.
"No promises," Newt said, and that was cruel and he grimaced. "But same to you."