31_days | [March 29] [Pacific Rim] Just a Taste

Title:Just a Taste
Day/Theme: 29. I'm inedibly bitter
 Series: Pacific Rim
 Character/Pairing: Hermann Gottlieb/Newt Geiszler  

 

Hermann had been thin and frowny as long as Newt had known him, but this was the first time Newt wondered why. He hurried into the lab, feeling the latte slosh on the inside of the sealed cup as he took the corner. Hermann was there, which was a stab of relief, but he looked broken and sad, which years of war and pain and loss hadn't managed to do. But I did, Newt thought. I did this.

When they had first met, reducing each other to this would've been a victory. Now, it just felt shameful. He held the coffee out, but Hermann didn't take it. He set it down on the desk. Hermann hadn't even started to stand up. He just sat in his chair, so Newt grabbed his chair and pulled it over to sit in front of him.

"What I said before," he said, trying to beat any argument, even though it looked like Hermann had nothing to say. "I didn't mean any of that."

"You're forgetting that I could feel what you were feeling," Hermann said, speaking slowly. He leaned forward to press their foreheads together. It should've been sweet and Newt would've moved to kiss him if he hadn't felt all the way to his marrow that kissing was the last thing on Hermann's mind right now. "And you meant every word."

"No," Newt said. "No, let me explain. I don't deserve it. I completely blew a fuse without hearing you out before, but I want you to know why. I mean-"

"You don't have to say anything," Hermann sighed. He hadn't even looked at the coffee. "As hard as that will be for you." He started to pull away, but Newt grabbed his arms.

"Everybody leaves me!" Newt nearly shouted. "And I know you will eventually. Eventually it won't be worth it and you'll leave. " Hermann blinked at him. Newt's face crumpled and he rolled his neck, all awkward and painful. "You'll have enough and be gone and we won't even have what we had before because I'll have ruined that too. I know it. It never killed me before. But. I think. When it's you, it might. So. The only defense is to leave first. I thought you were going to say it was for the best if we split up. So you wouldn't be associated with the maybe-traitor, maybe worst failure than even you ever thought. So you wouldn't be dragged down with me." He shuddered and ducked his head against Hermann's chest.

"So you panicked," Hermann said. "And said it first."

Newt nodded. His misery felt like pressure behind Hermann's eyes. Newt knew very well he always ruined things. He had said as much and all the past memories of it swirled around the edges of the Drift connection.

"I had braced for much the same thing," Herman said. "Even if my limitations didn't become tiresome for able-bodied people." He swallowed and his fingers tightened on his leg. "My job and indeed, my very nature, has been to find the mistake or the failing and fix it. It serves well for equations. Less so with people. And we both know I can't fix you. I." He swallowed again and Newt felt his own throat tighten. "I don't want to. You're going to be fine. The rock star, remember?" He grimaced and it was supposed to be a smile. He gave it up and slumped again. "And I am going to be exactly what I've always been."

He pulled back to gesture briefly at himself, all bones and tweed and fastened buttons. Sour and alone. Like he had been before and would be again. The certainty of it and the resignation made Newt cringe, but he lunged to grab both his hands.

"Good," he said. "That's what I want. You, the way you've always been. If I cared about the nagging and the limp, you would've heard about it before now."

"Dr. Geis-" Hermann began with a sigh.

"No! Don't you dare start that again!" Newt held Hermann's hands to his head, letting their connection hum through the contact. "If you felt it before you can feel it now," he insisted. "I couldn't lie to you if I tried. You know I don't care about any of that. You know what I want. You know how sorry I am!"

Hermann closed his eyes, but Newt felt all the things flickering behind them. He let go of his hands and cradled his jaw to bring their foreheads back together.

"You said you were braced for it. But you weren't then. It wouldn't have knocked you down so hard. I did that to you and I'd take it back if I could. I won't ask you to forgive me. Just let me make it up to you. Take me back. Let me try."

"It was like being ready for the punch to the face and getting kicked in the stomach instead," Hermann said faintly. His eyes opened and they looked at each other. Newt was trying hard not to cry again, but his eyes were red and shiny. His lips were pulled tight to keep from quivering and Hermann had been fighting that feeling so long that he didn't need the connection to know how it felt. It wasn't often they matched so well, and symmetry always made him feel a little better. So he pressed a kiss against them and let the rest of Newt slam into him like a tidal wave like he knew it would.

Newt wrapped all around him, making Hermann's chair tilt dangerously backwards. His hands were scrabbling all over and the kiss deepened into something desperate. Hermann went with it. It was such a relief after all the misery that he didn't even mind the weight on his legs or the creak of the glasses around his neck being crushed between them or even the taste in Newt's mouth.

"You took a drink of the coffee you brought me," Hermann accused when they came up for air. His arms stayed tight around him.

"I had to be sure it was good," Newt said. He had some tear tracks on his face, but was smiling through them now. "You're bitter enough."