[May 17th] [Perry Mason] Gomenasai

[insaneladybug.livejournal.com]

Title: Gomenasai
Day/Theme: May 17th - We were water under the bridge
Series: Perry Mason
Character/Pairing: Hamilton Burger, Paul Drake
Rating: K/G

Part of the "Missing Scenes from The Broken Ties" series.

Takes place during the epilogue.


By Lucky_Ladybug

Hamilton was stunned, to say the least, when Paul arrived at his office right when Hamilton had been about to go looking for him. And during their ensuing conversation Hamilton was further surprised, as well as touched.

Paul shifted in discomfort on the couch. Hamilton had suggested that they use it instead of chairs around the desk, since this was a personal rather than a professional visit. Now Paul was debating how to begin. He clasped and unclasped his hands.

“I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you,” he blurted at last.

“Then that is what you’ve been doing,” Hamilton said with a raised eyebrow.

Paul nodded miserably. “I just . . . I don’t know. I haven’t been able to figure out what to do with some things I’ve been realizing the last few days.”

Hamilton blinked. “What do you mean?”

“Well, to start with, I never did apologize to you for that stupid argument we got into at the hospital.”

“That’s true, you didn’t,” Hamilton acknowledged.

“At least, not so you could hear me,” Paul went on. “Actually, I did end up telling you while you were conked out on the couch in the lounge, but . . .” He shook his head. “I don’t know why I never bothered to find the time to do it later.”

“There was a lot going on then,” Hamilton said. “You didn’t have much chance.”

Paul slammed his fist into his palm. “I had the perfect chance, when you apologized to me. Instead I just acted stupid about it and let it go by without doing a thing. I fumbled and changed the subject.”

“I figured you were just too shocked to reciprocate,” Hamilton said with a half-smile.

“Really?” Paul looked to him. “You honestly thought that and not that I probably just wasn’t sorry or didn’t care?”

Hamilton averted his gaze. “. . . I can’t deny that crossed my mind too.”

Paul sighed. “. . . And then it looked like Vivalene killed you. I . . .” He shook his head. “I don’t know if I would’ve forgiven myself if she’d succeeded.”

“Because you didn’t apologize?” Hamilton regarded him in surprise. “Or because . . . Paul, what happened wasn’t your fault!”

“I know, but I keep thinking, If I’d only been more alert. If I could’ve stopped Tragg from pushing you and catching you off-guard. If I could’ve restrained Vivalene. . . .” Paul’s shoulders slumped. “It sounds crazy, but I’ve been dreaming about it most nights since then. It always turns out different, except for one thing.” He looked back to Hamilton. “You’re always dead for real.”

Hamilton looked uncomfortable now. “Well, I’m not,” he said. “And Paul, I don’t blame you for what Vivalene did. I never have. I’m grateful to you. No one else could get through the barrier. If you hadn’t been there to snap Tragg out of that . . . whatever state he was in, and if the two of you hadn’t broken that slab, maybe Vivalene would have won. I sure wasn’t able to do anything by that point.”

Paul nodded. “I keep telling myself there was nothing I could’ve done to stop Vivalene from attacking you. But I don’t know that.” He sighed. “Thanks, though.”

Silence fell between them again. Hamilton waited, watching Paul for a long moment. “. . . Is all of this leading up to something else?” he asked at last. “You look like you still have something on your mind.”

“I do,” Paul admitted. From his eyes, he looked as though Hamilton’s prompting was dragging him into action. He had to tell this other thing, after all. It was the culmination of everything he had been saying. “All of these things have been bugging me more because of the main thing I realized.”

He took a deep breath. “When I said I wasn’t sure I could forgive myself if you’d been dead, the big thing on my mind was how I’d made a mess of everything while you were alive and well. And how you would’ve died never knowing the truth.”

“Is that the truth?” Hamilton asked. “That you feel bad for making a mess?”

“That, and well . . . I . . . I think of you as a friend.” Paul looked into Hamilton’s shocked eyes. “I have for a long time. And it really bothers me that it took this disaster for me to see it. What if it hadn’t happened? Would I have ever been smart enough to figure it out?”

Hamilton moved to reply but hesitated. Did he really have the right words for this? Paul had completely thrown him for a loop. And it sounded like Paul had thrown himself for a loop, as well.

“. . . You’re a detective,” he said at last. “Eventually it probably would have occurred to you . . .” But he trailed off. He honestly could not say. Particularly when he had gone along believing for years that Paul hated him.

“Yeah, maybe.” Paul shook his head. “I’m such an idiot.”

“. . . I didn’t see it any more than you did,” Hamilton said. “What I said back at the hospital was the truth. I really thought . . .”

“I know.” Paul sighed, awkward. “Well . . . now that it’s out, what do we do about it?”

Hamilton mulled over his response. “What is there to do?” he ventured. Slowly he held out his hand. “If we think of each other as friends, maybe we should act more like it.”

Paul stared dumbly, at first unable to fully believe. “You can forgive me just like that, after everything I’ve said and done?”

“Can you forgive me, for the same thing?” Hamilton returned.

Paul nodded without hesitation. “I have,” he said. “I realized that too.”

“I forgave you too,” Hamilton said.

Paul gripped his offered hand. “Friends, then.”

“Friends,” Hamilton agreed.