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31_days2011-01-19 01:01 am
treeflamingo.livejournal.com) wrote in 31_days2011-01-19 01:01 am
[Jan 18] [Hana Kimi] A Year In Love Is Always A Year In Love
Title: A Year In Love Is Always A Year In Love
Day/Theme: Jan 18/I can't unthink about you
Series: Hanzakari No Kimitache E
Characters: Nakatsu, Sano, xMizuki
Rating: K+ for language
A/N: Sooooo this kinda got away from me :[ Also, given the fact that this is in Nakatsu's POV, and I'm pretty sure Nakatsu always just called Sano by his given name, I probably should have done the same. But I didn't and I'm too lazy to go back and change it now.
Nobody even tried to fill the vacancy that she left. The guys hung out together and talked together same as always, but it was totally different and nobody made any effort to pretend that it wasn’t. Nakatsu gave them credit for that.
What kinda pissed him off was that the lack of her wasn’t the only difference. Sekime all but abandoned them for his girlfriend, as did Noe, when his girlfriend was talking to him. Kayashima and Sano were both really smart and had big plans for college. Plans that involved more than just athletics (Sano was suddenly really serious about learning English and Kayashima, well, athletics had never really come into play for him at all). The guys hung out and talked, but it was growing infrequent and they spent a lot more time catching up than actually, you know, hanging out.
Nakatsu ended up playing a lot more soccer. All he had to do was keep passing grades, anyway. Soccer was what he’d been counting on all along. He could beat his body into submission, and usually his brain obediently followed suit. Usually. But when it was midnight and every last one of his muscles ached like no tomorrow and even if they didn’t and he could somehow jump the fence into the field it would still have been impossible to get a hold of soccer ball, he was stuck with no option but to deal with his thoughts. Inevitably, they were thoughts of her.
They all still ate dinner together, at least. That much hadn’t changed. So that’s when her absence was most obvious. (Yeah, it kinda pissed him off that they didn’t hang out like friends the way they used to, but on the other hand it kinda made his life easier.) Like if you got a front tooth knocked so you ate tons of soup and porridge for awhile but then went and tried to eat a burger – you’d really notice how much you needed that front tooth. The banter was gone. Nobody smiled the way she did. And Sano never laughed anymore. Actually, getting any kind of response out of that guy was next to impossible. He was constantly in his own world. It was almost like when they first met in freshman year, before she came, except that every once in a while he’d give them this awkward apologetic look and actually interact for a bit. He missed her like crazy. He was in love with her, and if any of them hadn’t figured that out before she left, they were pretty clear on it now.
He tried to explain it to Nakatsu once. (Nakatsu hadn’t brought it up and didn’t really wanna hear about it, but if his best friend needed to talk about it, he wasn’t gonna be a dick and shut him down.) “Imagine…” he’d started, then sighed one of those heavy Sano sighs that was apparently supposed to communicate something useful but never did (except to Mizuki, she seemed to know what was up with him; Nakatsu ground his teeth). “Okay. It’s like… it’s like there’s no bar anymore.”
“Hunh?” Was that supposed to make sense?
“Uh, I mean… it’s like I’ve still got the pole and the landing mat and the running start and everything. It’s just that the bar’s gone. I can still jump, but I can’t really figure out why I’m doing it. No, I mean… god dammit.” He leaned over the railing, dropped his head to his fists.
Nakatsu regarded him seriously. Then held up one hand perpendicular in front of his face. “Sorry, man. I have no idea what you’re going for.”
Sano heaved one of those sighs again. “The bar’s the most important part of the high jump, right? Like the goal in soccer. Imagine trying to play soccer without a goal box. You could still do it but there wouldn’t really be any point.”
Nakatsu blinked at him. He was pretty sure he understood. He just didn’t like it. “Man…”
“The most important part’s missing.” Sano didn’t specify beyond that – didn’t say the most important part of what was missing, but Nakatsu definitely got it now. Goddamn, he thought. Goddamn. After a minute of sympathetic silence, Sano added very quietly, “I had no idea I’d miss her this much.”
And that was when Nakatsu started regretting things.
He really had given up on Mizuki that night that he confessed and he (no, she, that was still kinda confusing sometimes) shot him down. He’d admitted defeat – he’d lost to Sano – and he wanted to go back to being regular friends with both of them. He was prepared for that to take awhile. He was prepared to be hopelessly in love for a bit longer while he got over it.
But then Mizuki was gone and Sano got all emo and then all of sudden basically admitted that he was so stupid in love with the girl that he wasn’t even sure life was worth it without her. Nakatsu was pretty sure he’d never felt like that. He adored Mizuki, and she broke his heart every time she looked at Sano, then healed it right back up every time she smiled. But, damn man, soccer still had a goal box. And so, suddenly, he felt like a total douche bag. Mizuki belonged to Sano, his best friend, and Nakatsu was an epic jerk for having feelings for her. For having imagined her naked (even if his imagination screened out the really juicy bits). For having held her, squeezed her, let his heart burn for her. For thinking about her every night while falling asleep, and for daydreaming about her when he was supposed to be paying attention in class.
It was easier now that he didn’t have to look at her sunshine face every day, and he did a really good job of convincing himself that his feelings for her had changed to something completely platonic (he would believe this for years, until Sekime’s wedding, when he finally saw her again, and he was 16 all over again and infatuated). But he couldn’t take back the year he’d spent in love with her. He couldn’t easily erase the memories (of her smile, her laugh, her slim little body) that he’d created carefully over that year. He couldn’t unimagine the things he’d imagined doing with her (Not – not that I imagined anything really raunchy! I’m a straight man! I thought she was a guy so I couldn’t imagine the raunchy bits because that would’a been… I mean, whenever I imagined anything a little raunchy he always looked like a girl… SHE! She always looked like a gi… WHAT THE HELL EVER NEVER MIND.)
He couldn’t unthink of her, and it made him feel guilty.
Day/Theme: Jan 18/I can't unthink about you
Series: Hanzakari No Kimitache E
Characters: Nakatsu, Sano, xMizuki
Rating: K+ for language
A/N: Sooooo this kinda got away from me :[ Also, given the fact that this is in Nakatsu's POV, and I'm pretty sure Nakatsu always just called Sano by his given name, I probably should have done the same. But I didn't and I'm too lazy to go back and change it now.
Nobody even tried to fill the vacancy that she left. The guys hung out together and talked together same as always, but it was totally different and nobody made any effort to pretend that it wasn’t. Nakatsu gave them credit for that.
What kinda pissed him off was that the lack of her wasn’t the only difference. Sekime all but abandoned them for his girlfriend, as did Noe, when his girlfriend was talking to him. Kayashima and Sano were both really smart and had big plans for college. Plans that involved more than just athletics (Sano was suddenly really serious about learning English and Kayashima, well, athletics had never really come into play for him at all). The guys hung out and talked, but it was growing infrequent and they spent a lot more time catching up than actually, you know, hanging out.
Nakatsu ended up playing a lot more soccer. All he had to do was keep passing grades, anyway. Soccer was what he’d been counting on all along. He could beat his body into submission, and usually his brain obediently followed suit. Usually. But when it was midnight and every last one of his muscles ached like no tomorrow and even if they didn’t and he could somehow jump the fence into the field it would still have been impossible to get a hold of soccer ball, he was stuck with no option but to deal with his thoughts. Inevitably, they were thoughts of her.
They all still ate dinner together, at least. That much hadn’t changed. So that’s when her absence was most obvious. (Yeah, it kinda pissed him off that they didn’t hang out like friends the way they used to, but on the other hand it kinda made his life easier.) Like if you got a front tooth knocked so you ate tons of soup and porridge for awhile but then went and tried to eat a burger – you’d really notice how much you needed that front tooth. The banter was gone. Nobody smiled the way she did. And Sano never laughed anymore. Actually, getting any kind of response out of that guy was next to impossible. He was constantly in his own world. It was almost like when they first met in freshman year, before she came, except that every once in a while he’d give them this awkward apologetic look and actually interact for a bit. He missed her like crazy. He was in love with her, and if any of them hadn’t figured that out before she left, they were pretty clear on it now.
He tried to explain it to Nakatsu once. (Nakatsu hadn’t brought it up and didn’t really wanna hear about it, but if his best friend needed to talk about it, he wasn’t gonna be a dick and shut him down.) “Imagine…” he’d started, then sighed one of those heavy Sano sighs that was apparently supposed to communicate something useful but never did (except to Mizuki, she seemed to know what was up with him; Nakatsu ground his teeth). “Okay. It’s like… it’s like there’s no bar anymore.”
“Hunh?” Was that supposed to make sense?
“Uh, I mean… it’s like I’ve still got the pole and the landing mat and the running start and everything. It’s just that the bar’s gone. I can still jump, but I can’t really figure out why I’m doing it. No, I mean… god dammit.” He leaned over the railing, dropped his head to his fists.
Nakatsu regarded him seriously. Then held up one hand perpendicular in front of his face. “Sorry, man. I have no idea what you’re going for.”
Sano heaved one of those sighs again. “The bar’s the most important part of the high jump, right? Like the goal in soccer. Imagine trying to play soccer without a goal box. You could still do it but there wouldn’t really be any point.”
Nakatsu blinked at him. He was pretty sure he understood. He just didn’t like it. “Man…”
“The most important part’s missing.” Sano didn’t specify beyond that – didn’t say the most important part of what was missing, but Nakatsu definitely got it now. Goddamn, he thought. Goddamn. After a minute of sympathetic silence, Sano added very quietly, “I had no idea I’d miss her this much.”
And that was when Nakatsu started regretting things.
He really had given up on Mizuki that night that he confessed and he (no, she, that was still kinda confusing sometimes) shot him down. He’d admitted defeat – he’d lost to Sano – and he wanted to go back to being regular friends with both of them. He was prepared for that to take awhile. He was prepared to be hopelessly in love for a bit longer while he got over it.
But then Mizuki was gone and Sano got all emo and then all of sudden basically admitted that he was so stupid in love with the girl that he wasn’t even sure life was worth it without her. Nakatsu was pretty sure he’d never felt like that. He adored Mizuki, and she broke his heart every time she looked at Sano, then healed it right back up every time she smiled. But, damn man, soccer still had a goal box. And so, suddenly, he felt like a total douche bag. Mizuki belonged to Sano, his best friend, and Nakatsu was an epic jerk for having feelings for her. For having imagined her naked (even if his imagination screened out the really juicy bits). For having held her, squeezed her, let his heart burn for her. For thinking about her every night while falling asleep, and for daydreaming about her when he was supposed to be paying attention in class.
It was easier now that he didn’t have to look at her sunshine face every day, and he did a really good job of convincing himself that his feelings for her had changed to something completely platonic (he would believe this for years, until Sekime’s wedding, when he finally saw her again, and he was 16 all over again and infatuated). But he couldn’t take back the year he’d spent in love with her. He couldn’t easily erase the memories (of her smile, her laugh, her slim little body) that he’d created carefully over that year. He couldn’t unimagine the things he’d imagined doing with her (Not – not that I imagined anything really raunchy! I’m a straight man! I thought she was a guy so I couldn’t imagine the raunchy bits because that would’a been… I mean, whenever I imagined anything a little raunchy he always looked like a girl… SHE! She always looked like a gi… WHAT THE HELL EVER NEVER MIND.)
He couldn’t unthink of her, and it made him feel guilty.