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31_days2005-09-26 07:08 am
zauberer-sirin.livejournal.com) wrote in 31_days2005-09-26 07:08 am
[sept 25][bleach] of all the things i never told you
title: of all the things i never told you
day/theme: 25 sept/"what we had i cannot even say"
fandom: bleach
pairing: shunsui/nanao
rating: pg
spoilers: er, i mention kaien
of all the things i never told you
*
The first thing he sees of her are her hands, because she looks down and if her hair wasn´t so perfectly pinned up it would fall into her eyes. Fresh faced, right out the academy, sword too heavy on her hip and a smell of soap from running in and out of the bathroom, constanly checking herself in the mirror, splashing water against her nervousness.
Shunsui thinks: every story has a beginning, this might as well be yours, and welcomes her into the division.
(every story has a beginning, and this might as well be ours)
*
The first night Nanao saves his life against a hollow instead of him saving her it´s very shortly after Kaien´s death.
Ukitake comes to see how he is doing in the middle of the night and Nanao greets him at the door, tells him Shunsui is resting, tells him he can´t come in
It´s the first time she lies for her captain without being told to.
He says: "Don´t tell me I was careless." Shunsui puts his lips to her shoulder for a moment, the fabric rough and clean.
Don´t tell me I was distracted, and the "please" afterwards, never actually uttered but hanging over them like a severed limb that still moves.
*
If he had a voice: why do you stand by my side, if you don´t really see me, near-sighted as your glasses let on, and me the clown, always the clown with the announced sad clown smile? or do you stay with me because you think i´m something else, someone else, subject to your post-pubescent fantasies, the stuff your dreams are made of, and an expectation i can never live up to, the dream behind the mask?
or
or worse of all do you stay with me because you see me as i am?
*
Nanao finds an old photograph of Shunsui, Ukitake and Urahara inside a drawer. It was not hidden, simply left behind, not really forgotten but wanting to be. She dusts off the the faces: her captain wears a smile she has never seen before. It´s bright, trusting, uncomplicated.
She knows Shunsui had been happy then, but that was not the man she has fallen in love with.
*
One day Ukitake invites her to lunch. He is not jealous. (Ukitake´s loyalty may be the last constant in a world of continuous deceptions) It´s not like that. She is young, beautiful, powerful. She can no longer stand in somebody else´s shadow.
She has known it for a long time.
Ukitake has been warning him for a long time.
Shunsui has been refusing to aknowledge it for far longer.
When she comes back from the meal there is this guilty tightness in her fingers twisting into fists, in the knots of muscle. Shunsui takes her hands in his. Ah, here it´s something you didn´t expect. If she was a palm reader she could tell him: we did not meet in a past life, and we do not meet in this one. But then how come you always appear in my love line?
Around them fall settles in a world without seasons.
*
The day she is promoted to Captain (-because every story has an ending and this was always meant to be ours) she holds her head low, like that first day, she looks at the ground again, down at her hands, she looks anywhere but all the places she might find him. But there is also this shimmer in her, like the first time she killed a hollow, this proud shyness around her soft mouth.
Shunsui stands aside during the whole ceremony.
He thinks this must be exactly how human graduation days feel like -when it´s too late and there is always that beautiful girl you want to talk to through the whole semester, and you never do, repeating to yourself there´s always time, i´ll tell her tomorrow, i´ll tell her on monday, i´ll tell her at the dance, i´ll tell her after graduation but then it´s already too late and all you have left to do is sign her yearbook, have a nice summer, have a nice life.
And Shunsui could write: What we had... we never had it.
day/theme: 25 sept/"what we had i cannot even say"
fandom: bleach
pairing: shunsui/nanao
rating: pg
spoilers: er, i mention kaien
of all the things i never told you
*
The first thing he sees of her are her hands, because she looks down and if her hair wasn´t so perfectly pinned up it would fall into her eyes. Fresh faced, right out the academy, sword too heavy on her hip and a smell of soap from running in and out of the bathroom, constanly checking herself in the mirror, splashing water against her nervousness.
Shunsui thinks: every story has a beginning, this might as well be yours, and welcomes her into the division.
(every story has a beginning, and this might as well be ours)
*
The first night Nanao saves his life against a hollow instead of him saving her it´s very shortly after Kaien´s death.
Ukitake comes to see how he is doing in the middle of the night and Nanao greets him at the door, tells him Shunsui is resting, tells him he can´t come in
It´s the first time she lies for her captain without being told to.
He says: "Don´t tell me I was careless." Shunsui puts his lips to her shoulder for a moment, the fabric rough and clean.
Don´t tell me I was distracted, and the "please" afterwards, never actually uttered but hanging over them like a severed limb that still moves.
*
If he had a voice: why do you stand by my side, if you don´t really see me, near-sighted as your glasses let on, and me the clown, always the clown with the announced sad clown smile? or do you stay with me because you think i´m something else, someone else, subject to your post-pubescent fantasies, the stuff your dreams are made of, and an expectation i can never live up to, the dream behind the mask?
or
or worse of all do you stay with me because you see me as i am?
*
Nanao finds an old photograph of Shunsui, Ukitake and Urahara inside a drawer. It was not hidden, simply left behind, not really forgotten but wanting to be. She dusts off the the faces: her captain wears a smile she has never seen before. It´s bright, trusting, uncomplicated.
She knows Shunsui had been happy then, but that was not the man she has fallen in love with.
*
One day Ukitake invites her to lunch. He is not jealous. (Ukitake´s loyalty may be the last constant in a world of continuous deceptions) It´s not like that. She is young, beautiful, powerful. She can no longer stand in somebody else´s shadow.
She has known it for a long time.
Ukitake has been warning him for a long time.
Shunsui has been refusing to aknowledge it for far longer.
When she comes back from the meal there is this guilty tightness in her fingers twisting into fists, in the knots of muscle. Shunsui takes her hands in his. Ah, here it´s something you didn´t expect. If she was a palm reader she could tell him: we did not meet in a past life, and we do not meet in this one. But then how come you always appear in my love line?
Around them fall settles in a world without seasons.
*
The day she is promoted to Captain (-because every story has an ending and this was always meant to be ours) she holds her head low, like that first day, she looks at the ground again, down at her hands, she looks anywhere but all the places she might find him. But there is also this shimmer in her, like the first time she killed a hollow, this proud shyness around her soft mouth.
Shunsui stands aside during the whole ceremony.
He thinks this must be exactly how human graduation days feel like -when it´s too late and there is always that beautiful girl you want to talk to through the whole semester, and you never do, repeating to yourself there´s always time, i´ll tell her tomorrow, i´ll tell her on monday, i´ll tell her at the dance, i´ll tell her after graduation but then it´s already too late and all you have left to do is sign her yearbook, have a nice summer, have a nice life.
And Shunsui could write: What we had... we never had it.