31_days | April 6 (xxxHolic) Longing

Title: Longing
Day/Theme: 6 // perhaps because it's not sad enough

Series: xxxHolic

Character/Pairing: Watanuki/Himawari
A/N: Haven't written for this fandom in a while...
Summary: Longing. That is what he feels when she talks to him on the phone. Complete and utter longing.
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Longing. If he had a word to describe it, it would be longing.

She calls, every now and then, when he least expects it but needs it the most. She'll start hesitantly, as though checking to see if he's there, before her voice fades into a blurr of worry and sorrow.

He caused that, he knows. Even her words are aimed for his well-being.

The conversation goes the same way everytime, ending with him apologizing and her silent guilt. There is no need for either of that--what is he saying sorry for anyways? Nothing real, nothing tangible, just a crime he thinks he has committed.

Maybe he has.

She loves him, ends nearly every conversation with that. A reaffirmation, as though she's reassuring him, reminding him, I'm still here. I haven't changed.

This is where he can end it all. They only have the odd phone calls, the scripted dialogue, to sustain them between each annual visit. These words play over and over in his head, brining forth a face he doesn't fully recongize. She'll smile, cry, laugh in those dreams, haunting him.

Sometimes he gets close enough to touch before she disappears as he wakes up.

(Then he panics--please don't let this be a dream-visit, she can't handle those, please, I can't--)

A sigh as he collapses on the bed, thinking of her. How long has it been?

A month, three, seven. Time marches forward and the only way he marks it is by Domeki's growing wrinkles, by Himawari's annual visits.

During those visits, he wants nothing more than to hold her hand, to feel that she's tangible and not a figment of his imagination.

He knows she lives for those moments. She probably has it worse, even, as he at least as Domeki.

She has only the phone calls and the visit.

"I love you," she says and this is the moment where he can end it all. He can release her so easily, let her fall in love with someone else and not act out this tragedy anymore.

With a word, he can let her live her own life.

But--

"I love you too." It's the truth. He does. There are no lies in this statement. She probably wouldn't believe him if he lied and said he didn't, probably would still keep an eye on him anways.

The main reason, though, is that he's a little selfish. He doesn't want to lose her too.

"See you next week."

The chains have been cast and there's no turning back.
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