31_days | [February 18, 2010] [Original] About You

Title: About You

Day/Theme: February 18/that invisible gun to their head

Series: Original

Character/Pairing: None?

Rating/Warnings: PG-13/Written in first person (I think that’s what it’s called), I’m not bringing up any names in this story, not even fake ones for replacements, and at the end, there’s some bad language.

Word Count: 1,252

Summary: Based on personal experience about an unrequited love.

Excuse me for any errors.

It’s always like this. Until recently, you’ve always been so energetic. So... happy. But now, you’re seemingly emotionless. But your eyes, they hold so much sadness in them. Really, it’s scary. I’m afraid that you’re going to do something harmful to yourself.

But you say you just want me to be happy, and that you’ll do anything for that. You say, you’ll take all my pain and troubles away just to see me smile, and be happy. But really, you’re making this worse for me, and yourself. You’re my friend! You don’t need to know everything that goes on in my life. Even if you just want to fix those things that happen in my life. It’s not your job. Your job is to be my friend, and that only! Dammit! Don’t you realize how sad you’re making me feel? When you say something like that, I don’t know how to respond. Because now, I think that I can’t tell you this. I can’t say “You’re not a counselor. You’re not my mom. So just be my friend, and nothing else.” You’d get sad, maybe even angry.

Because not so long ago, you, my best friend, confessed your love to me through a poem. And it was such a sweet poem, but so heartbreaking as well. I knew, and you knew, that it will always be an unrequited love.

But the thing is, you had said for the longest time, that a “friend” likes me, and he wants to know if I have a chance with him. You didn’t tell me who this person was, and I didn’t ask. I can’t believe I fell for that. You said this “friend” knew who I liked, and that he wasn’t one of them. I thought, ‘Oh. Is it really that obvious?’ I was curious as to how he knew that when the only person I ever tell who I like is you (because you always ask, and insist and insist, so I give in, unfortunately), the one who covered up by saying he has a friend who likes me, and that “friend” really is you.

And when you said I have a valentine, I was shocked. I’ve never gotten one before. You said it was that “friend” of yours. And I didn’t realize until after you told me who gave me that poem as a valentine day gift, that throughout all of this, that person is you. I felt bad because I had already said, before I knew you were him, that he stood no chance. But the thing is, you just had to ask who I liked, (since you somehow knew I liked someone new), in exchange for me knowing who wrote that poem. When I found out, I felt kind of upset at you. For lying to me about who likes me. But at the same time, I felt bad for telling you I like someone other than you.

I was never good at this thing called ‘love’. I never quite understood it. Or at least, the full extent of it. It’s confusing, hurtful, and it can really just suck. But other times, it can be wonderful. The feeling of love. I can’t help but say, I really hate it. Because so far, it’s only caused trouble in my life. Heh, being a teenager really sucks, huh?

But, you and me, we would always share our troubles together, personal or non-personal. And it’d always get resolved with the help of one another. And the teachers would always say to us, “You shouldn’t be sharing personal things to friends like that! It’s not their job to make you feel better; it’s the counselor’s job.” And now, I think I’m starting to believe them. No, I do believe them. They are right. I have my proof.

Over time, you have become more emotional, more attached to me, to the point where it’s—must I say it?—annoying. You worry too much for me. When I don’t want to tell you what’s bugging me, you get offended. You used to always hang out with me at school, and now that you started asking if we should hang out—which is kind of annoying, too—I say, “Sure!” But what I really feel is that I don’t want to sit with you, and that I’ve become kind of… sick of your presence. As horrible as that sounds, it’s true. How emotional you’ve become, it bothers me. I have to be careful of what I say now, and sometimes even lie about my feelings, so that you don’t get upset, so that you don’t get offended. You text me every day and it’s just too much. So sometimes I don’t respond, because I honestly don’t feel like talking to you. The next day I have to explain to you why I “couldn’t” respond. Because unknown to you, it’s all a lie.

I can’t ever tell you this, in fear of hurting you. But it’s just so, so true. Maybe I’m just too soft. No, I am too soft, because I hate seeing people upset, especially if it’s my fault. But sometimes, I just want to yell at you, “Shut up and just leave me alone!!” But because of that poem you gave me, it troubles me even more, how I can’t express my feelings to you. Because most of the time, I’m honestly not happy, I’m irritated.

The next day, I finally told you how I just want you to be my friend, and stop asking me if I’m ok, or if there’s anything bugging me or anything on my mind. It didn’t go as expected.

You said something that I don’t even remember. And I think it must be unimportant because I don’t remember it. But all I know is that you still don’t understand. And you know what? I just don’t understand how what I said could not get through to your mind! You still ask me those questions. I understand if you worry about me, but I don’t like it when you act on it to this extent where I just want to scream!

You texted me that night asking me what was bugging me. I said, “None of your business.” You didn’t respond. And I didn’t think much about it until the next day you looked sad. You told me what was bugging you and I didn’t know how to respond. Maybe because I didn’t want to respond. Or maybe because I just didn’t know what to say.

Then lunch ended, and we stayed there in awkward silence. The dean of students had to come and tell us to go to class. You responded, “I’m waiting for my counselor.” And I said, “Ok.” And walked away after saying bye.

Later that day you said you were feeling much better. But I could tell you weren’t, I’m not that stupid to not be able to see through your lies. I think you were only saying that to make me feel happier, because you noticed how upset I was. I guess you took my upset demeanor the wrong way. Or maybe I did. I don’t know anymore.

You still don’t get it. You. Still. Don’t. Get. It. Dammit! Why can’t you just understand what I want from you?! What the hell?! I get so upset, so angry and frustrated at you, so fucking sad that I can just barely hold in my scream and I just want to cry. Really… what the hell…?

That’s all! :D Yes, this is based on personal experience, and these are my real feelings about a real person. I just am so relieved to get all this out. Oh but don’t worry, I’ll never ever show this to him! Haha. ^^