31_days | [May 23] [Juuni Kokki] Breath on the Embers Part 1

Title: Breath on the Embers Part 1
Day/Theme: May 23/ Who Can Love You and Still Be Standing?
Series: Juuni Kokki / The Twelve Kingdoms
Pairing: Youko/Keiki
Rating: PG

She's used to purple. It's the colour of the wildflowers in her meadow-garden, where she hides from the world. It's in her sky, and her embroidery, in the threads she weaves together on her loom. Most importantly, it's in his eyes, a tranquil colour. A kind colour.

She doesn't know how purple suddenly became her enemy. But now it's wept itself out of his eyes and over his skin, crawling and scabbing and marring. Killing.

And she- she did this to him. With the terrible intensity of the love he couldn't return, she's leeched the colour out of him. The rashes across his face, like burn marks where she tried to touch him, they condemn her. Murderer. They are made from the blood that should be on her hands. She has poisoned him with it.

"This is all my fault," she whispers hoarsely. No answer.

She opens her mouth, to say she's sorry, to tell him she loves him. But all she can do is gasp. This pain- it's like nothing she's ever felt before. Her heart isn't just breaking, it's shattering. And as the pieces fall away, she sees what she has done. How she has lost the way so totally and irrevocably.

Her knees fold under the weight of the realisation, and she falls to the floor in a flutter of robes, hardly noticing the pain. She
reaches a trembling hand towards his sleeping face, always pale but now frozen in a death pallor.

He could be made out of marble, if not for the barely perceptible rise and fall of his chest. His face, lovely and serene between the harsh welts of the shitsudou. He's too beautiful. Too beautiful for a mere human like her, even for a demi-god, an empress. He was never hers to love. Fool empress that she is, though, she fell for him anyway. And now he pays the price.

A mere pace seperates them in body, but he is far beyond her now, almost to the precipice.

"Is there nothing more the doctors can do?" she asks, although she already knows the answer. There is a dull murmur behind her as the ministers dodge the question. She sighs and reaches out to brush the pale hair back from his head, once, twice. He would disapprove of that, if he was awake. She longs for the eyes to open, for the frown and the following rebuke. For the rare smile and the familiar voice calling Your Highness. He doesn't stir.

She finishes her farewell caress, and stands. She has to go now, in this vital moment of lucidity and determination. If she lingers any longer, her heart- or what little is left of it- will fail, and she will wither away by his bedside until they are both dust.

"Prepare my mount," she orders, voice hard. She strides five paces towards the door, but stops before she reaches it.

"And...and..." she falters, looks back over her shoulder at the white-gold hair spilling over the pillow. "When he wakes- tell him I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

With unconcealed shock, they realise what she means to do.

"Empress!"

"Empress, no!"

But she's already gone.

She's doesn't let herself break down until she's soaring high above Kinpa Palace, leaving it all behind. Only then does she allow herself to say his name.

"Keiki..."

When she's cried herself out, she sets her red-rimmed sight on the horizon, and sends a silent prayer to her successor.

Whoever you may be, take care of him. He is so very fragile. Do not be a fool like this unworthy empress. Take care of him, but do not dare to love him as I did. There is nobody in this world who can love him and still be whole.