[Feb. 20] [Detective Conan] Breaking Down

[candy--chan.livejournal.com]

Title: Breaking Down
Day/Theme: Feb. 20: ”Clad in the beauty of a thousand stars.”
Series: Detective Conan
Character/Pairing: Shinichi, Ran
Rating: R/M



The door closed soundlessly behind Ran, and she leaned back against it for a moment, taking a deep breath, before she crossed the darkened room itself. She paused by the foot of the bed, where a small form was lying motionless, curled beneath the blankets, before moving to the window.

The sun had set while Conan—no, Shinichi, she reminded herself—was with the doctors. It was night now, and they had finally gotten him to sleep. Satou-san said he had tossed and turned for a long time; they were at the point where they were ready to give him something to put him under when he had finally drifted off. He hadn’t moved since.

It was a lovely night, clear and filled with stars. It was certainly not the kind of night that should have borne witness to the kind of heartache and pain that tonight had brought to them all.

Ran was keeping vigil tonight. She had every intention of sitting beside his bed and…and what? She really didn’t know what, if anything, she could do if he woke up. He had been afraid of the police officers when they came into his room to speak to him; what’s to say he wouldn’t be afraid of her as well? If something happened, was there really anything she could do?

She stood there for a moment, looking out towards the sky, before she sighed and turned back towards the bed. She intended to sit in the chair beside the bed, which Satou had earlier occupied, but movement from the bed caught her attention.

Shinichi was shifting in his sleep.

Ran moved to the bedside immediately and watched to see what would happen.

He was twisting and moving around more actively now, while low moans emitted from deep in his throat. She heard him whimper softly—he could not speak, but the involuntary noises still escaped him as he was lost to slumber.

“Shinichi?” she whispered his name. He seemed not to hear. But it was getting worse.

At a loss, Ran reached out. “Shinichi?” she gave him a tiny shake. He sat up, arms flailing around as he tried to fight off some unseen opponent, one that existed only in his nightmare. Ran instinctively reached out and tried to take hold of him again. “Shinichi! Wake up!”

His eyes shot open…

…and he pushed her away.

Startled, Ran took a step back, both of her hands clutched in front of her heart. He had never, ever reacted to her like that before. Ever. Was it possible…was he afraid of her too?

They stared at each other, both with wide eyes, through the darkness.

Shinichi moved first. He opened his mouth, as though trying to say something that refused to come out; he closed it again. One hand lifted and started to reach towards her before drawing back again, as though afraid to touch. He looked so lost…

Ran swallowed hard and inched closer. “It’s okay…you were dreaming…” she said softly. He watched her as she moved back to his bedside, putting her hands on the bed-rail.

He tried to speak again, and again he was mute. Wincing, he turned to look down towards the foot of the bed. His eyes squeezed shut, and both his hands came up to grasp at the sides of his head, his fingers tangling in his hair. He was shaking violently.

It broke her heart. Ran hesitated, then reached out and put her arms around him, drawing him towards her. “Shh…you don’t have to say anything,” she whispered, relieved that he didn’t pull away or fight her. “It’s okay…” She didn’t know what else to say.

After a few seconds, she drew back and gently cupped his cheeks with both hands and turned his face to look up at her; he did not pull away, but he refused to meet her eyes directly. “Shinichi,” she said, not missing the way he winced at the sound of his true name. “It’s just me.” She decided to just ask. “Are you afraid of me?”

He shook his head, and she believed him. But she noticed something she had never seen from him before, either as Conan or as himself. There was a look to him that suggested…

Ran dragged one thumb just under his eye. “Shinichi…” his name escaped her involuntarily when felt the barest hint of dampness there. He had always been loathe to demonstrate any sort of emotion like that, even when he needed to. But if there was one person he might open up to… “Let it out, Shinichi.”

He stared at her—directly at her now—in a strange sort of horror.

“No one expects you to be okay right,” she said. “Don’t bottle it up. You’re just going to hurt yourself later. Just let it out now.” Her own eyes were starting to burn, but she vowed that now was not the time. “There’s no one else around. It’s just me. And you don’t have to be strong for me.” He had been strong for her so many times, both as Shinichi and as Conan. Now it was her turn to carry the burden; it was her turn to be his strength.

Shinichi just kept staring at her; he looked lost, bewildered, exactly like the child he resembled. He blinked…and a single tear escaped from the corner of one eye and ran down his face.

The response was instant: he jerked back a little bit and looked down, putting one hand to his face. His expression was one of total disbelief, like he didn’t grasp that he could cry.

In spite of everything, Ran felt herself smile. She drew him to her, hugging him as tightly as she dared.

Somehow, that simple gesture did it. He clung to her with all the desperation of a frightened child, and he cried. What specifically he was crying about, she could only guess; he could not tell her. Fear, guilt, loneliness…all the things that had happened, the uncertainty of the future…

Ran simply held him while he broke down and cried. As it ebbed away, she tucked him back into bed and held his hand as he drifted back to sleep, the tiniest hiccup in his breathing the only sign of it. She stayed beside him, keeping one tiny hand clasped in hers, and wondering where it would all go from there.

Only time would tell.