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31_days2008-02-05 09:09 pm
candy--chan.livejournal.com) wrote in 31_days2008-02-05 09:09 pm
[Feb. 5] [Detective Conan] Unable to Understand
Title: Unable to Understand
Day/Theme: Feb. 5: “And hold there is no sin but ignorance.”
Series: Detective Conan
Character/Pairing: Heiji
Rating: R/M
There were few things in this world that Hattori Heiji could not understand.
Murder was one of them. While he could understand a person’s anger over what they perceived to be a grave injustice or a wrong done to them, he had never been able to grasp where exactly that line was and how it was crossed, where anger came to ending another person’s life. He had known true anger a few times in his life—now was a prime example—but he had never been moved to kill a person for it.
And he also could not understand how a person could make the decision to end their own life. Suicide, to his mind, was effectively self-murder. He did not understand murder, and thus he could not understand suicide.
Which is why he was having so much trouble now.
He knew that Kudo was having problems right now—granted, that was like saying that Paris Hilton wasn’t a virgin. Still, while he had known that things were horrendously messed up in Kudo’s head, he’d had no idea that things were that bad. And he felt like a bad friend for not seeing it.
He knew there was really no way for him to have known. Kudo couldn’t speak, couldn’t seem to display any emotion other than no emotion at all—so there were no indicators there—and was in a hospital, a place where there were people ready, waiting, and willing to put him back together.
But on the other hand, given what Kudo had been through…he felt like the possibility should have at least registered. They had even warned him that trauma victims could fall into depression and contemplate or attempt suicide, even if they had never experienced such things before. He had heard the warning…and more or less discarded it.
Kudo wouldn’t do something like that. The suggestion was patently absurd.
“Maybe we should have just let her die.”
Heiji remembered one case where the issue had come up. He hadn’t understood the need the murderer had felt, but he could see the suffering. Granted, he had seen so many murderers sob upon their capture and explanation as to why they did what they did, but hers was more than anything he had seen. She wanted nothing more than to die.
“Fool.”
Kudo had not been terribly amused by the thought. He had given Heiji a look that did not belong on a child’s face; it even seemed old for Kudo’s true seventeen-year-old face. And once again, he made a statement that managed to wind its way into Heiji’s very philosophy.
“A detective who corners someone with logic and then lets them die is no better than a murderer.”
He had made a joke to that comment, saying it hurt his ears to hear the “perfect one” say something so scathing. Again, Kudo was not amused. But Heiji quietly took the words to heart, as he frequently did when Kudo said something like that.
And now Kudo was going to…
Dammit.
Life was something that Heiji had never had any difficulties with. Aside from occasionally butting heads with his father, he had been blessed with a fairly happy existence. The thought of running away from all of that had never crossed his mind, not even once. He loved being alive.
And that made the idea that someone would willingly try to leave life behind seem even more alien to him. Especially when it was one of his best friends, and he had been the one to spot it and stop it before it could happen.
That was why he was out here in the waiting room instead of in there, keeping an eye on Kudo. Neechan was in there at the moment. Heiji had dropped the bug in her ear that maybe the kid shouldn’t be left alone. He didn’t want to tell her outright; she had been through enough already, and she didn’t need that extra worry. Still, he wondered if she suspected…
So he was out here. He needed to calm down. He wanted time to get his own thoughts sorted out and ordered. And he was pretty sure he had already put the fear of God into Kudo. He didn’t even know if Kudo would be able to stand having him in the room at that point. He was still jumpy about anything he perceived as even remotely threatening.
It could very well be that he had cut himself off from one of his best friends in order to stop that friend from making a big mistake. To save a friend’s life, he had isolated that friend. Their friendship might be permanently damaged or destroyed, for all he knew.
…but Heiji did not regret it. Regretting it would mean that he should have let Kudo go ahead with what he’d been planning. And that would have made murderers of them both, as well as destroying a lot more than just Kudo’s life.
If Kudo hated him, so be it.
And maybe it was selfish, but he hoped that someday, after this whole ordeal had become a thing of the past…maybe Kudo would forgive him. If not, he still vowed never to regret.
PS. Regarding the Paris Hilton line—I know it’s not quite location-appropriate and what-have-you, but I just could not quite stop myself from borrowing that line from an entry somewhere on Go Fug Yourself. Yes, I’m hanging my head in shame at my hackery.
Day/Theme: Feb. 5: “And hold there is no sin but ignorance.”
Series: Detective Conan
Character/Pairing: Heiji
Rating: R/M
There were few things in this world that Hattori Heiji could not understand.
Murder was one of them. While he could understand a person’s anger over what they perceived to be a grave injustice or a wrong done to them, he had never been able to grasp where exactly that line was and how it was crossed, where anger came to ending another person’s life. He had known true anger a few times in his life—now was a prime example—but he had never been moved to kill a person for it.
And he also could not understand how a person could make the decision to end their own life. Suicide, to his mind, was effectively self-murder. He did not understand murder, and thus he could not understand suicide.
Which is why he was having so much trouble now.
He knew that Kudo was having problems right now—granted, that was like saying that Paris Hilton wasn’t a virgin. Still, while he had known that things were horrendously messed up in Kudo’s head, he’d had no idea that things were that bad. And he felt like a bad friend for not seeing it.
He knew there was really no way for him to have known. Kudo couldn’t speak, couldn’t seem to display any emotion other than no emotion at all—so there were no indicators there—and was in a hospital, a place where there were people ready, waiting, and willing to put him back together.
But on the other hand, given what Kudo had been through…he felt like the possibility should have at least registered. They had even warned him that trauma victims could fall into depression and contemplate or attempt suicide, even if they had never experienced such things before. He had heard the warning…and more or less discarded it.
Kudo wouldn’t do something like that. The suggestion was patently absurd.
“Maybe we should have just let her die.”
Heiji remembered one case where the issue had come up. He hadn’t understood the need the murderer had felt, but he could see the suffering. Granted, he had seen so many murderers sob upon their capture and explanation as to why they did what they did, but hers was more than anything he had seen. She wanted nothing more than to die.
“Fool.”
Kudo had not been terribly amused by the thought. He had given Heiji a look that did not belong on a child’s face; it even seemed old for Kudo’s true seventeen-year-old face. And once again, he made a statement that managed to wind its way into Heiji’s very philosophy.
“A detective who corners someone with logic and then lets them die is no better than a murderer.”
He had made a joke to that comment, saying it hurt his ears to hear the “perfect one” say something so scathing. Again, Kudo was not amused. But Heiji quietly took the words to heart, as he frequently did when Kudo said something like that.
And now Kudo was going to…
Dammit.
Life was something that Heiji had never had any difficulties with. Aside from occasionally butting heads with his father, he had been blessed with a fairly happy existence. The thought of running away from all of that had never crossed his mind, not even once. He loved being alive.
And that made the idea that someone would willingly try to leave life behind seem even more alien to him. Especially when it was one of his best friends, and he had been the one to spot it and stop it before it could happen.
That was why he was out here in the waiting room instead of in there, keeping an eye on Kudo. Neechan was in there at the moment. Heiji had dropped the bug in her ear that maybe the kid shouldn’t be left alone. He didn’t want to tell her outright; she had been through enough already, and she didn’t need that extra worry. Still, he wondered if she suspected…
So he was out here. He needed to calm down. He wanted time to get his own thoughts sorted out and ordered. And he was pretty sure he had already put the fear of God into Kudo. He didn’t even know if Kudo would be able to stand having him in the room at that point. He was still jumpy about anything he perceived as even remotely threatening.
It could very well be that he had cut himself off from one of his best friends in order to stop that friend from making a big mistake. To save a friend’s life, he had isolated that friend. Their friendship might be permanently damaged or destroyed, for all he knew.
…but Heiji did not regret it. Regretting it would mean that he should have let Kudo go ahead with what he’d been planning. And that would have made murderers of them both, as well as destroying a lot more than just Kudo’s life.
If Kudo hated him, so be it.
And maybe it was selfish, but he hoped that someday, after this whole ordeal had become a thing of the past…maybe Kudo would forgive him. If not, he still vowed never to regret.
PS. Regarding the Paris Hilton line—I know it’s not quite location-appropriate and what-have-you, but I just could not quite stop myself from borrowing that line from an entry somewhere on Go Fug Yourself. Yes, I’m hanging my head in shame at my hackery.