31_days | [October 10] [BtVS/Angel] Equivalent Exchange

Title: Equivalent Exchange (5/6)
Day/Theme: October 10. doppelgangland
Series: Angel/Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Character/Pairing: Angel, Wesley, Connor, Buffy, Fred, Gunn, Lorne, Willow, Xander, Giles, Harmony; Fred/Wesley, mentions of Angel/Cordy, Buffy/Angel, Willow/Tara, Connor/Cordy
Rating: PG

-

It was obvious to Angel that Fred and Wesley spent the entire night on the cough together because they hadn't changed their clothes and because, when Fred stood up, her body was stiff in a way that indicated she hadn't moved in hours.

"I'll see you tonight," Fred told him softly and then kissed the top of his head. "Try and get some rest."

Wesley nodded at her and watched her leave his apartment. "I suppose you want to talk."

"It's why I came here," Angel told him and sat down next to him.

"I kidnapped your son and hours later you tried to kill me," Wesley said. He was looking forward, away from Angel. "In the memories Wolfram & Hart created for me on that same day, I was injured badly in an attack and you took me to the hospital. When I woke up, all my friends were there to see if I was okay. I left with them a few days later." He gave a short laugh. "I find that I can't appreciate the dramatic irony."

Angel wasn't sure if Wesley meant to hurt Angel or himself or both of them with that. "Wes - "

Wesley continued talking, as if Angel hadn't said anything. "The night I rescued you from the ocean, I had meant to inform you that Connor often kept a picture of Cordy that he found on his person. There hadn't been enough time."

"I don't hold it against you," Angel said after a long pause.

Wesley finally looked at Angel. "Even so, I regret it." Angel knew Wesley well enough to know he hadn't slept since he found the contract he had with Wolfram & Hart, but he was still glad that he could confirm that knowledge by looking at the shadows under his eyes.

"Did you, before?" Angel asked though he wasn't sure he wanted the answer.

"I regretted the consequences," Wesley said, after a moment. "Regretting my actions was a luxury I couldn't afford."

"Can you now?"

"It's exhausting," Wesley told him.

It wasn't an answer.

-

It was both unnerving and comforting that Wesley in his office, looking over the notes that Angel made on his reports with the same careful eye as always did, even though it'd just been over a day since everyone's memories were restored.

"Angel," Wesley scolded without looking up, "we can't just cut off health care for all of our employees. For one, Gunn wouldn't be able to handle all the lawsuits thrown at us on top of his already considerable workload."

More unnerving than comforting, Angel thought dryly, and was saved from responding to Wesley by the phone ringing. He walked across the room, suddenly keenly aware that Wesley had looked up from the reports in order to watch him, and picked it up as soon as he got to his desk.

The person on the other end of the phone was nervous, didn't say her name or where she was from before giving him the news.

"It's Cordy," Angel said, his hand falling to his sides. He looked at the ground. "She's - she's gone. Just now."

Wesley said nothing. Instead, he briskly around the desk and over to Angel, grabbed the phone out of his hand, and started firing questions.

Unconsciously, Angel found himself walking over to his desk chair. This time, he was the one watching Wesley carefully.

It took about five minutes for Wesley to accept what he was being told. His accent was almost as sharp as it'd been back in Sunnydale when he politely thanked the poor girl on the other end of the phone and set it slowly and carefully back on its cradle.

Then he walked across the room and sat down on the couch.

There was nothing to say so nothing was said.

-

"Does anyone from Sunnydale know how to listen?" Harmony asked, annoyed, "the boss said no one can enter." She sighed loudly. "But does you guys ever listen? No. I should totally get a raise for this."

"Perhaps... in circumstances that weren't quite so dire..." Giles told her as Xander threw open the door to Angel's office.

"How's it, running evil?" Xander asked.

Wesley knew he was on auto pilot when he looked up from staring out his hands and said, "It's going well."

Xander tapped his chin and then shook his head. "Huh. I thought I'd care more."

Willow had turned to Angel once she had walked into the room and her face shifted from anger to worry when she had lain her eyes on him. "Xander - "

"The funny thing is that I might have cared more yesterday," Xander said. "Or better yet, I wouldn't care at all and I wouldn't even be here. And I'd never have to look at you again." He stalked over to Angel, who didn't even blink. "But, then, I woke up and hey! I suddenly remembered that Buffy's kid brother was actually a kid sister." He threw his thumb behind him, in Willow's general direction. "And then Willow told us you had a son who looks like Connor here's a funny coincidence! His name was also Connor - "

"Shut up," Willow said, icy. Xander turned around, his eyes narrowed. "Will?"

"What's going on?" Willow asked.

Wesley stood up and walked over to Angel to stand beside him. "We've just been informed that Cordelia died a few hours ago."

"It wasn't enough to kill Dawn, you had to kill Cordy too?" Xander snapped and Angel did flinch at that.

Giles, who had been silent and still since they'd barged into Angel's office, admonished, "Xander."

"Cordelia has been in a coma for the past six months," two weeks and five days Wesley added to himself, "after being violated by a rogue higher power." Wesley grabbed a post it note and pen off of Angel's desk and scribbled down the address of the hotel Buffy was staying at. He walked over to and shoved it in Xander's hand. "I've written down the address of the hotel Buffy is staying at for you. Go and plot revenge there, if you must. I don't have the time to indulge in your pettiness."

After setting her hands on Xander's shoulders in a silent gesture to keep quiet, Willow looked at Wesley and said, "If you need any help, just ask."

"Your generosity is welcome," Wesley told her.

Willow gave him a shaky smile before leading Giles and Xander out of the room.

When they'd left, Angel jerked his head up. "The others - I didn't think - "

Realizing he still was holding the pen he'd used to write down Xander's address, Wesley walked back over to next to Angel and carefully set it down where he'd found it.

"It's understandable," Wesley told him. What wasn't understandable was that the first thing Wesley thought when he'd set down the phone was that he needed to inform the others, but couldn't bare the thought of breaking the news to them. "Perhaps you should get some rest."

Angel shook his head. "There's too much to do."

"I can take care of it," Wesley said. "You're going through more than enough."

Angel caught his wrist before Wesley could move. "What about you?"

"There is no comparison," Wesley told him. "If you recall, I was there when Buffy told you not to make contact with Connor."

Angel pulled back, though he didn't let go of Wesley's wrist.

"Does this mean we're okay?" Angel asked.

"That would not even be a question if I was the only one who was suffering because of your actions," Wesley said.

Angel let go.

-

Gunn was the first to walk in his office. His face fell the moment his eyes met Wesley's and he walked over to stand next to Wesley just close enough so that it didn't feel so alone.

They were still close enough for Gunn to know not to say a word.

Fred came in a few minutes later, humming cheerfully.

The first thing she saw when she walked in was the look on Gunn's face. It felt as if someone had stabbed Wesley in the gut when her voice fell dead. She walked to stand between them and grabbed both of their hands.

Lorne was the last to come in.

His expression was already miserable.

He said, "It's Cordy."

Wesley had no idea who said "Yes."

-

Xander was angry and would say something he'd regret, so Willow broke the news to Buffy and Connor about Cordelia all the while wishing so much that Tara was still alive because she would have been able to do it better.

She would have known exactly what to say when Connor had started to cry. She would have been able to gather him in her arms tell him that Connor was theirs and it would have actually meant something because Tara was the one to tell him (and Dawn) that they were family after Buffy died while Willow began to coat her hands in innocent blood to bring her back.

She would have been able to explain to Buffy why exactly Dawn was gone forever and couldn't come back instead of just croaking out "I can't" while trying not to cry.

Part of her also wished that she'd never met Tara because then Willow would have been stupid enough to bring her back, in spite of all the risks. But Tara's life had taught here there were some things she just couldn't do.

It was a lesson burned into her so deeply that there wasn't a day that went by that she wasn't made aware of her limits.